really long ian frazier article about fishing in the new nyer. he also wrote a really long one about birding before. i google image searched him:

my prediction: if the dems win a lot of power in this next election the pape's will use the following as a headline:
BLUE'S COUPS!
i just googled it, no one has said that before. this post is epic.

today: i got this new toothpaste today. i opened the box and pulled it out. it is the most obscene color. it is a metallic glittery aquamarine w/ sparkles. it is some space barbie looking junk and it is so offensive to the eyes that i don't know if i want it to be a part of my life for the duration of a tube of toothpaste. i considered making it mouthkiss the tube of toothpaste that is running low and transferring the contents w/ some squeezgery (squeeze surgery). i actually did this once in college, when i was running low on toothpaste, and some other dorm resident had carelessly left their tube of toothpaste behind where anyone could syphon out the paste. this was when i was at one of my most lethal combinations of impoverished and lazy. but - back to present day toothpaste, i am contemplating the tube as i notice this giant arrow ont he side pointing up towards the cap of the tube. here is a crude representation of the tube, arrow, and text accompanying arrow:

...................______________________________________________
..........._____/
..........I_=== ]<-------Stay-Clean Cap
................../ Twist off cap and remove foil seal.
................./________________________________________________


so i removed the cap and there was NO FOIL SEAL. normally i wouldn't think about it but why were they so specific and then there was no foil seal? i know that i opened the carton box surrounding the tube, but still, someone probably poisoned it. it was the first one on the shelf. why did i take it? i thought it would save energy to take the nearest one. what madman would poison toothpaste? i am going to use it. watch this space for updates on my condition. if this is my last blog, FADE TO BLACK, TEXT FADE IN:
Pablo Valencia
1976 - 2006
He was too beautiful for this world.

yesterday: my sister got a job designing bootleg louis vuitton bags in spain so she is staying on there for three years. so she needs to get some paperwork done to sort out her visa. so she had to submit to some examination of her good upbringing. they took her fingerprints and did some background work on her. this is a good time to break off from this story. the first job i worked at disney (as a temp, for one week) was as this one lawyer's assistant. the department did background checks for all potential hires by disney. they had me run these people's names and numbers to get background checks on them. and then if there were flags we would send them a note. the thing is, sometimes these peope were applying to work at the theme park, and sometimes those people were convicted sex offenders. naturally, they wouldn't get hired. but this is the fun thing. i would send them a letter, of course, telling them that they couldn't be hired because they were flagged by the system and they could not be around children. and these letters were mailed out on dis letterhead official stationery, but the kind with "Tada Mickey!" on them. Tada Mickey is mickey w/ his arms held out wide and one foot kind of up and he looks really happy and like he's appearing out of nowhere TADA!!



i have more stories about this boss but maybe... another time? for now lettuce return to the thread re: this paperwork for my sister's visa. so, my sister has to get this paperwork done, and because she is already in spain, they are making it hard for her. so she had to get this piece of official paperwork stating that she is not a criminal of any sort and is of the highest cut jib and all that. so that paper is requested, and mailed to me. this official looking paper looks like something anyone could recreate if they had the proper software and printer. the proper software and printer in this case would be printshop deluxe and dot matrix, respectively.

the next stage of this errand was getting this paper notarized. or so we thought. i drove around and pulled over at this place that had a notary sign. there was a hasid inside (who looked like he was experiencing some sort of bleaching damage to his payos) who told me that it wasn't notarization that i needed, since no one could be there to sign it. he said for an apostille i would need to get it acknowledged by a notary, drive to norwalk to the county clerk's office to get the notary's signature verified, and bring it downtown la to get the county clerk's office seal verified and then they would give it to me w/ another seal on it. then i could mail it to my parents where they will finish the rest of this byzantinely complex task.

ok, so the acknowledgement, verification, and verification verification went pretty well. the only hold up was when i was leaving the parking structure in downtown la. i normally hate to park in lots but parking downtown is a racket. parking on the street was a quarter for ten minutes, and a time limit of one hour. i didn't have that many quarters, and sisterpants said that the wait in the la office might be over an hour. so i parked at this lot that was righ next door to the building. it was $3 for every 20 minutes, $9 maximum all day. i went out, and got to the guard shack and gave them my ticket. it was $6 and they only accepted cash, no atm, credit, debit, check, scrip, etc. all i had in my car was a one dollar bill, a one dollar coin, and handfuls of pennies. i keep pennies in the car in case i ever get super accosted by a scragbaggler. i read somewhere that hobos are interested in pennies, as curiosities. so they had me park in the monthly exit lane while they sent me to an atm machine that was 2 doors down. one door down was a little deli type place that also refused to take anything but cash. (suspish!) so i took out some money and i was heading back when i thought up a fun little way to exact my revenge on the parking lot's reign of tyranny. i went into the cash only deli and bought a banana. it was fifty cents, which is steep for a banana, but i was hungry. for revenge! and potassium/banana. i hadn't eaten since that morning when i made myself a Copenhagen. so i bought the banana with a twenty, and received change, including 4 singles and fifty cents. i separated the four dollars plus the one dollar bill i had from before, the fifty cents, and went back to my car. there i counted out 51 pennies to give to the guards to bump me up to the exit price of $6. (i put in an extra penny in the hopes that it would make them count the pennies twice). i handed the guard this handful of currency, and was about to go out when she said, it's $9 now. and i said, what?
guard: the clock was still running...
me: that's all i have.
guard: but it's nine dollars.
me: that's all i have.
then she went over to talk to another guard. they talked for a bit, and she asked again. i told her i only had the $6 i had given them. i think using a sack of pennies helped my case.
guard: ok, we can let you leave. $6 please.
i had already given them to her, so this made me smile really wide and nod, leeringly. then she lifted the gate and i left.
i think the rest of that day went by w/o incident.

on monday i got a call from molly who works at the production company that hires me sometimes. i missed the actual call,. but i saw that she had left a message. her messages are always something like, 'hey, there's a half day of work on friday, and possibly two days next week. call me back if you can work.' and then she calls back a minute later to say, 'scrap those two days, but i'd still like you for friday afternoon.' anywho, i called her back without listening to the message and i said molly, i called as soon as i got your urgent message. and she said, so can you work tomorrow? and i said sure.

then later i got the call sheet and i saw that this:
-DVX100 camera w/ tripod (Pablo will operate – please set to standard, 16x9 as well.)

then i listened to her message, where she says, 'hey, i know this is last minute, but i need someone for tomorrow, and you'd be a PA, but also operating the camera, i don't know if you'd be comfortable doing that. but i need to find someone so please call me soon. thanks'

i told myself, you gotta look up a picture of the dvx 100 online to see what it looks like, and i had planned on looking up the camera online before hand to know how it works et cetera but then time sort of ran out and it was between looking up the camera online or shaving and i decided i looked way too scruffy. so i shaved and left.

the shoot was this interview w/ jim brown, who i am told is a very famous and amazing football player. i'm kidding, i did know who he was beforehand, even tho i think watching sports is a waste of time and i am really confused when anyone i know enjoys it. ed invited me over for a bbq and the game would be on and meghan was going as well and naturally i thought that they were joking but about 30 seconds after i had finished my hot dog i started to get really antsy and upset about where i was. the second hot dog did little to rectify the situation, as it allowed me to consume it and then i was left w. nothing but football. (ed and meeg are alumns, i don't remember what school they go to but i am pretty sure it is unaccredited.) but jim brown is a pretty big name, i spose, because i remember it from childhood and school, the last places where i was forced to endure a conversation about sports. but yeah i remember his name. so i drive there.

oh i took a little bit longer shaving than usual, and then i had a huge dilema because i had absolutely _nothing to wear_! it's true! my clothes were all in my car when it caught on fire and the insurance paperwork hasn't finished being processed yet so i had to borrow a bunch of dogman's pique polo shirts and khakis. he said looking at me in his clothing is like looking into an adorable and magical mirror. then i found some shirts i had been using as a pillow so i put on one of those. but chosing one took a long time, and rubbing the wrinkles out of it was physically taxing. (my clothes were in my car because my closet is filled w/ pillows). (the fire in my car was due to my matchbook collection - or my pet white phosphorus hunk). (those were in my car bc i am getting my curio cabinet refaced).

so i leave a little late, and it is a house in the hills off of sunset, so i start going up the road. and i go all the way to his address, a few thou off of the start. and i can't find the address. i try calling, but mobilephones are finicky on mount olympus. after a few minutes i look at someone's mail and i see i am on the wrong street. so i wind down and then go up the right one. i got there about 20 minutes late.

luckily most of the heavy lifting had been done by the director of photography and the audio engineer by the time i got there. the DP said to me, 'so, you're working the digital video camera then right?' (he's british, i feel like they ask all things tho innit right tho guv?) anyway, due possibly somewhat to my fear of being exposed as a fraud but at least partially to his heavy cockney accent i mishear him, and i yelp back, 'did you just ask me if i've ever worked a digital video camera before?!?!?'
DP: No, I _assume_ you've worked one before. i asked you if you _were_ doing it.
me: oh yeah, of course. to both.

i brought in a few things when the DP told me that maybe i should set up my camera. (when will this guy get off my back and start sweeping my chimney?!?!) i moved towards some cases until the dp stopped looking worried and then i grabbed the closest one. the producer at this point said he wanted to go over some shot specifications w/ me. the shot list just said close ups of eyes, hand, tracking shots of hands, eyes, zooming shots (to eyes and hands during emotional parts). then he asked me what kind of camera i was shooting w/. i told him a dvx 100 (i remembered thinking i really should have looked up the camera, but then realized how horrible i look w/ a scruff mustache. also, i was pretty sure it would be the standard camera set up that the elephant-over-the-shoulder-dadcam has. bright red button for record, nothing else worth looking at.) he said that was a great camera, and i agreed and looked down quickly to try and halt him from starting a technology-heavy convo w/ me.

then i opened up the camera case and saw the camera. after a bit of inspection i realized how to pull it out of the case, and i began trying to put a battery in the camera. (here's a fun fact - in the biz, we call batteries bricks!) (the biz = the business of show/entertainment). so i am holding the camera in one hand, every few seconds thinking that i should probably be paying more attn to it, since i am waving it around trying to find out how to make it mate w/ the brick in my other hand. i see where the batt goes but i can't seem to get it in there. i am scared to try harder because don't want to break it, but i don't want to be too ginger w/ this thing either. so i am sitting there trying to figure it out and every 10 seconds or so i press the battery to where it is supposed to fit and it comes back in my hand, failing to have magically connected itself to the camera, allowing itself to be consumed for art. after a few minutes the producer tell me that he thinks i have to lift up the eye piece in order to slide the battery in. he's right. i tell him i'm not that familiar w/ _this camera_ and he seems mollified.

i did manage to find the way to make it go 16:9/widescreen, so that was good. right before shooting the dp looked at my camera and moved about a hundred knobs and pushed a bunch of buttons tho. the only thing he said was, 'you want it on this setting if you're going 24p' or 24f. i don't know/remember and i don't remember what the dial was on when he told me. either way, i was ready to go and jim brown sat down a few feet in front of me. (there was another camera further away, shooting a static shot of the interview).

i start shooting and zooming and panning like i was instructed to. his eyes are actually pretty expressive, and my slow zooms to show just from his eyebrows to the bottom of his lips while he is talking about his lack of a father figure and racial problems prevalent when he played football are heartbreakingly beautfiul. i do this for a long time. i keep trying to get his hands, but i can't zoom out far enough because i'm pretty close to him on a tripod. (we call those sticks in the industry!) (the industry, again, another term for the business of making and selling that sweet hollywood magic). but as the interview is winding down, i decide to do a slow zoom on his eyes, and then pan down his face, and down his arm, to his hands, in his lap. i zoom in to his eyes, and begin to follow down his arms. his arms, albeit old, are still gigantic. they are unreal. i go down his hulking arm and catch his hands, folded in his lap. the camera is perched on the sticks, you may remember, and i am panning by using the arm on the side of the camera to control it, so that it moves really slowly and gracefully. at this point, just as i am perched above his lap, pointing the camera at his hands, folded in his lap like a docile lamb, (w/ weird human hands) he begins getting animated and moves his hands. so i have a full zoom and have tilted my camera down straight into his crotch. i start to widen the shot and move the camera away as quickly as possible but it is on that slow moving movement-arm, so when the editor watches this footage they may likely wonder what my intentions were in my dramatic kubric-esqu slow zoom out of this man's crotch. oh. and another thing, he was wearing those track pants that are kind of shiny and soft material. and he is, as i mentioned before, a rather large man. due to all the lumps and mass, it pretty much looked like he had a kitten hidden in his pants. look for it, i think the show is called the 10 greatest college running backs of all time, or something.

just thought of something. what if jim brown googles himself and reads this? will it be awkward if i ever run into him again?

ed just got a blackberry. now i send him 1 line unimportant emails w. subject headings like URGENT and OPEN IMMEDIATELY PLEASE and they say things like THIS IS YOUR BLACKBERRY SPEAKING!!! IT SMELLS IN YOUR POCKET!!!! he leaves for spain in 2 days to oversee the filming of his new film, _black OUT!!!_ i hope he still gets coverage over there.

everytime i check the time on a non-digital watch or clock, if i happen to already know what hour it is i feel as if i'm cheating and i wonder if i would have been able to decode the bizarre hyroglyphs and decipher the abstract way in which this device works.


also, i really love the technical definitions of some words. grotesque is a good example. the 1st def is odd in shape, fantastically ugly or absurd, etc, the 2nd, more technical definition is 'fantastic in the shaping and combination of forms, as in decorative work combining incongruous human and animal figures with scrolls, foliage, etc.' so i would love to go into a museum and comment about how things are so _GROTESQUE_!!!

ed and i were talking tonight about how it's strange that people don't see us as punks, because we were when we grew up. but now we both look so conservative. and how we should start doing more punk things again. on the list was getting some things from when we go back east next, like our skateboards and our old punk shirts. i'm probably going to get my shirts tailored.

here are some more pics yay!!!!! BE WARNED THEY ARE BLURRY AND OF LOW QUALITY!!!!!!



another typewriter drawing. this one is called "millions on paper"




this is my fave collage in the history of art, and i suspect it is yours as well.





this one is a bit blurry, but i felt i had set a precedent for low quality pics in my last posting, so i decided to continue. it's called "not now"

here are some pictures of my art show yay!!!


this is me checking out some of my artwork.








this is one of my typewriter drawings (mentioned a couple o blogs ago). this one is called "ten letters". it's quite good.


this one is of a collage i did. the photo is blurry but i think the collage is good. it's called "my tribe's creation myth"



this collage is called "your future in space".







there isn't really a good photo of my fave collage. It's partially visible in the 1st photo. you can't see the whole thing tho, and it's unfortunate for you all, since it is probably the best piece of artwork done so far this century.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY SISTERPANTS!!!



i hope it doesn't ruin your birthday celebration to know that i am cleaning my room!!! i just found so many pennies. what am i going to do with them all?!? they are so worthless, i don't even think homeless people are interested in them. maybe as curiosities.

my friend meghan asked me if she could buy a typewriter drawing for her friend laura for her birthday. some of these drawings were recently exhibited at kaspar hauser in la, and she saw them there. the one she wants says "Ph.D." on it, and is named _doctorate_. i have decided to let her purchase this for ... one meal. i think this way it will be awesome in the
future when i am famous and people inquire about how cheaply i sold things when i was poor and a nobody. and people will say, he sold artwork in exchange for a sandwich!!! and it will astound people because they know how cheap sandwiches are. if it were something ridiculously low in dollars, or even not so low, people would have no concept of how inexpensively it was. i mean, by like 2100 or sometime when people ask about my artwork prices in 2006, if you say $100 - i mean, for all they know we were still bartering w/ shells or we had been using sheckels at that point in time. they will have NO WAY OF KNOWING. _although_ i think meghan's descendents will be upset when they know she carelessly gave away priceless artwork. how cavalier!

yesterday:

dogman: the boys are looking good, they've both gotten thinner.
me: yeah, they totally hit their goal weight. i wish i had their discipline.
dogman: but... they don't have a choice as to what they eat...

i was walking the dogs the other morning, and i saw the guy who lives two doors down. and his little dog was outside w/ him. the guy had him off his leash, but the dog was willfiull. it wasn't one of those dogs that stays off the leash and won't leave your side. it was totally bullying this guy! not listening at all. so willfull! so the dog starts looking at my dogs, and the guy's like kokomo, no! and kokomo ignored him, and started walking over towards us, and the guy kept yelling kokomo!
no!!! and then he picked up the little dog and was walking to get inside, and i am approaching him the whole time. as i get kind of close to this guy i realize he is dressed a little strangely, like a t-shirt and silk shorts and a little bathrobe. and then he starts saying 'he takes my shoes... kokomo ... my shoes... he puts them in the backyard...' and i look down and the guy is wearing two incredibly mismatched shoes. on his left foot was a white/light colored croc and on his right foot he was wearing a black loafer.

i had my art show on friday night. the flyer mistakenly said friday, september 30th, and it was the 29th, and i am blaming the slight attendance on this fact alone. but there was a chance to talk to people and more cheese for everyone who came. ed brought two checks in anticipation of buying artwork, but the two that he wanted were some of my faves and i didn't want to sell them, so i told him i would just keep them on the walls of his apt. i am over there all the time anyway. i think he's going to give me a set of keys. i pretty much decided not to give back one of his street parking permits a few weeks ago. now i don't have to go upstairs and then downstairs every time i park around his house. and his apt is on the 4th floor, and the elevator is super slow. andy k was altered in la as he was riding up and was all, "WHAT FLOOR DOES HE LIVE ON!?!?!?" bc it felt like we'd been in the elevator for a year and a day. and i said "27" and he was like WTF?!?! then he remembered we are in la where there aren't really many tall buildings and if there are, we certainly didn't go into one and he looked at the wall and there were only 5 buttons or so and then he realized i had been funning him. but whenever we get in the elevator and it feels slow me or ed will say WHAT FLOOR DO YOU LIVE ON?!?! oh, at the art show, ed helped to make the amount of alcohol imbibed appear as if the gallery had been filled to max capacity w/ thirsty winos. ed got super drunk and at one point he went into the kitchen to get something (presumably a drink). the kitchen has a swinging door. like in a restaurant, from the kitchen, it has no handles - just those push plates and you push through it every time you walk through it. ed was so drunk that he couldn't figure out how to get out of the kitchen, and then we heard him scratching at the door push plate to try and pry it open but he couldn't get a good grip on it. then after a few minutes it became silent, and then he tried scratching again. meghan and i could hear this all on the other side of the door, where we were laughing and talking about how ed couldn't figure out the door. and then we hear ed knock to be let out! and we laughed some more. later on when we went in there ed was sitting on the counter drinking a beer and i asked what happened and he said "i was trapped"