today: i got this new toothpaste today. i opened the box and pulled it out. it is the most obscene color. it is a metallic glittery aquamarine w/ sparkles. it is some space barbie looking junk and it is so offensive to the eyes that i don't know if i want it to be a part of my life for the duration of a tube of toothpaste. i considered making it mouthkiss the tube of toothpaste that is running low and transferring the contents w/ some squeezgery (squeeze surgery). i actually did this once in college, when i was running low on toothpaste, and some other dorm resident had carelessly left their tube of toothpaste behind where anyone could syphon out the paste. this was when i was at one of my most lethal combinations of impoverished and lazy. but - back to present day toothpaste, i am contemplating the tube as i notice this giant arrow ont he side pointing up towards the cap of the tube. here is a crude representation of the tube, arrow, and text accompanying arrow:
...................______________________________________________
..........._____/
..........I_=== ]<-------Stay-Clean Cap
................../ Twist off cap and remove foil seal.
................./________________________________________________
so i removed the cap and there was NO FOIL SEAL. normally i wouldn't think about it but why were they so specific and then there was no foil seal? i know that i opened the carton box surrounding the tube, but still, someone probably poisoned it. it was the first one on the shelf. why did i take it? i thought it would save energy to take the nearest one. what madman would poison toothpaste? i am going to use it. watch this space for updates on my condition. if this is my last blog, FADE TO BLACK, TEXT FADE IN:
Pablo Valencia
1976 - 2006
He was too beautiful for this world.
yesterday: my sister got a job designing bootleg louis vuitton bags in spain so she is staying on there for three years. so she needs to get some paperwork done to sort out her visa. so she had to submit to some examination of her good upbringing. they took her fingerprints and did some background work on her. this is a good time to break off from this story. the first job i worked at disney (as a temp, for one week) was as this one lawyer's assistant. the department did background checks for all potential hires by disney. they had me run these people's names and numbers to get background checks on them. and then if there were flags we would send them a note. the thing is, sometimes these peope were applying to work at the theme park, and sometimes those people were convicted sex offenders. naturally, they wouldn't get hired. but this is the fun thing. i would send them a letter, of course, telling them that they couldn't be hired because they were flagged by the system and they could not be around children. and these letters were mailed out on dis letterhead official stationery, but the kind with "Tada Mickey!" on them. Tada Mickey is mickey w/ his arms held out wide and one foot kind of up and he looks really happy and like he's appearing out of nowhere TADA!!
i have more stories about this boss but maybe... another time? for now lettuce return to the thread re: this paperwork for my sister's visa. so, my sister has to get this paperwork done, and because she is already in spain, they are making it hard for her. so she had to get this piece of official paperwork stating that she is not a criminal of any sort and is of the highest cut jib and all that. so that paper is requested, and mailed to me. this official looking paper looks like something anyone could recreate if they had the proper software and printer. the proper software and printer in this case would be printshop deluxe and dot matrix, respectively.
the next stage of this errand was getting this paper notarized. or so we thought. i drove around and pulled over at this place that had a notary sign. there was a hasid inside (who looked like he was experiencing some sort of bleaching damage to his payos) who told me that it wasn't notarization that i needed, since no one could be there to sign it. he said for an apostille i would need to get it acknowledged by a notary, drive to norwalk to the county clerk's office to get the notary's signature verified, and bring it downtown la to get the county clerk's office seal verified and then they would give it to me w/ another seal on it. then i could mail it to my parents where they will finish the rest of this byzantinely complex task.
ok, so the acknowledgement, verification, and verification verification went pretty well. the only hold up was when i was leaving the parking structure in downtown la. i normally hate to park in lots but parking downtown is a racket. parking on the street was a quarter for ten minutes, and a time limit of one hour. i didn't have that many quarters, and sisterpants said that the wait in the la office might be over an hour. so i parked at this lot that was righ next door to the building. it was $3 for every 20 minutes, $9 maximum all day. i went out, and got to the guard shack and gave them my ticket. it was $6 and they only accepted cash, no atm, credit, debit, check, scrip, etc. all i had in my car was a one dollar bill, a one dollar coin, and handfuls of pennies. i keep pennies in the car in case i ever get super accosted by a scragbaggler. i read somewhere that hobos are interested in pennies, as curiosities. so they had me park in the monthly exit lane while they sent me to an atm machine that was 2 doors down. one door down was a little deli type place that also refused to take anything but cash. (suspish!) so i took out some money and i was heading back when i thought up a fun little way to exact my revenge on the parking lot's reign of tyranny. i went into the cash only deli and bought a banana. it was fifty cents, which is steep for a banana, but i was hungry. for revenge! and potassium/banana. i hadn't eaten since that morning when i made myself a Copenhagen. so i bought the banana with a twenty, and received change, including 4 singles and fifty cents. i separated the four dollars plus the one dollar bill i had from before, the fifty cents, and went back to my car. there i counted out 51 pennies to give to the guards to bump me up to the exit price of $6. (i put in an extra penny in the hopes that it would make them count the pennies twice). i handed the guard this handful of currency, and was about to go out when she said, it's $9 now. and i said, what?
guard: the clock was still running...
me: that's all i have.
guard: but it's nine dollars.
me: that's all i have.
then she went over to talk to another guard. they talked for a bit, and she asked again. i told her i only had the $6 i had given them. i think using a sack of pennies helped my case.
guard: ok, we can let you leave. $6 please.
i had already given them to her, so this made me smile really wide and nod, leeringly. then she lifted the gate and i left.
i think the rest of that day went by w/o incident.
...................______________________________________________
..........._____/
..........I_=== ]<-------Stay-Clean Cap
................../ Twist off cap and remove foil seal.
................./________________________________________________
so i removed the cap and there was NO FOIL SEAL. normally i wouldn't think about it but why were they so specific and then there was no foil seal? i know that i opened the carton box surrounding the tube, but still, someone probably poisoned it. it was the first one on the shelf. why did i take it? i thought it would save energy to take the nearest one. what madman would poison toothpaste? i am going to use it. watch this space for updates on my condition. if this is my last blog, FADE TO BLACK, TEXT FADE IN:
Pablo Valencia
1976 - 2006
He was too beautiful for this world.
yesterday: my sister got a job designing bootleg louis vuitton bags in spain so she is staying on there for three years. so she needs to get some paperwork done to sort out her visa. so she had to submit to some examination of her good upbringing. they took her fingerprints and did some background work on her. this is a good time to break off from this story. the first job i worked at disney (as a temp, for one week) was as this one lawyer's assistant. the department did background checks for all potential hires by disney. they had me run these people's names and numbers to get background checks on them. and then if there were flags we would send them a note. the thing is, sometimes these peope were applying to work at the theme park, and sometimes those people were convicted sex offenders. naturally, they wouldn't get hired. but this is the fun thing. i would send them a letter, of course, telling them that they couldn't be hired because they were flagged by the system and they could not be around children. and these letters were mailed out on dis letterhead official stationery, but the kind with "Tada Mickey!" on them. Tada Mickey is mickey w/ his arms held out wide and one foot kind of up and he looks really happy and like he's appearing out of nowhere TADA!!
i have more stories about this boss but maybe... another time? for now lettuce return to the thread re: this paperwork for my sister's visa. so, my sister has to get this paperwork done, and because she is already in spain, they are making it hard for her. so she had to get this piece of official paperwork stating that she is not a criminal of any sort and is of the highest cut jib and all that. so that paper is requested, and mailed to me. this official looking paper looks like something anyone could recreate if they had the proper software and printer. the proper software and printer in this case would be printshop deluxe and dot matrix, respectively.
the next stage of this errand was getting this paper notarized. or so we thought. i drove around and pulled over at this place that had a notary sign. there was a hasid inside (who looked like he was experiencing some sort of bleaching damage to his payos) who told me that it wasn't notarization that i needed, since no one could be there to sign it. he said for an apostille i would need to get it acknowledged by a notary, drive to norwalk to the county clerk's office to get the notary's signature verified, and bring it downtown la to get the county clerk's office seal verified and then they would give it to me w/ another seal on it. then i could mail it to my parents where they will finish the rest of this byzantinely complex task.
ok, so the acknowledgement, verification, and verification verification went pretty well. the only hold up was when i was leaving the parking structure in downtown la. i normally hate to park in lots but parking downtown is a racket. parking on the street was a quarter for ten minutes, and a time limit of one hour. i didn't have that many quarters, and sisterpants said that the wait in the la office might be over an hour. so i parked at this lot that was righ next door to the building. it was $3 for every 20 minutes, $9 maximum all day. i went out, and got to the guard shack and gave them my ticket. it was $6 and they only accepted cash, no atm, credit, debit, check, scrip, etc. all i had in my car was a one dollar bill, a one dollar coin, and handfuls of pennies. i keep pennies in the car in case i ever get super accosted by a scragbaggler. i read somewhere that hobos are interested in pennies, as curiosities. so they had me park in the monthly exit lane while they sent me to an atm machine that was 2 doors down. one door down was a little deli type place that also refused to take anything but cash. (suspish!) so i took out some money and i was heading back when i thought up a fun little way to exact my revenge on the parking lot's reign of tyranny. i went into the cash only deli and bought a banana. it was fifty cents, which is steep for a banana, but i was hungry. for revenge! and potassium/banana. i hadn't eaten since that morning when i made myself a Copenhagen. so i bought the banana with a twenty, and received change, including 4 singles and fifty cents. i separated the four dollars plus the one dollar bill i had from before, the fifty cents, and went back to my car. there i counted out 51 pennies to give to the guards to bump me up to the exit price of $6. (i put in an extra penny in the hopes that it would make them count the pennies twice). i handed the guard this handful of currency, and was about to go out when she said, it's $9 now. and i said, what?
guard: the clock was still running...
me: that's all i have.
guard: but it's nine dollars.
me: that's all i have.
then she went over to talk to another guard. they talked for a bit, and she asked again. i told her i only had the $6 i had given them. i think using a sack of pennies helped my case.
guard: ok, we can let you leave. $6 please.
i had already given them to her, so this made me smile really wide and nod, leeringly. then she lifted the gate and i left.
i think the rest of that day went by w/o incident.
posted by pvf at 12:07 AM
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