part of a conversation i had w/ dicky:

dicky: you've never seen _batman returns_? danny devito plays the most hideous creature you could ever imagine.
me: did he play himself?!

then later i kept asking dicky 'was that the funniest thing you've ever heard?!' and he would say no.

today i worked for TV LAND again. i think i totally blogged up a storm about when i worked for them on some "a different world" promos. you can watch this space for more information on that previous blogcast. email my blog-master at jsfoer@vasinboy.blogspot.com.

i don't know much about star trek bc i find that show really boring!!! not really. i just have never watched it. and i feel like watching one minute of it is the same as getting my ears surgically altered to resemble those of Spock (who i am told is a character on this show w/, shall we say, _unusual_ ears). yo ps of course i know who spock is i am not trying to cover up for watching this show or any show under the umbrella of sci fi nerdoria. i do not watch these shows, i do not paint miniatures in the garage, etc.

aaanywho, i had vaguely heard that there was an old asian man who was on the show who was gay. so when the first bit o' talent arrived it was a woman and an asian man who was in his 40's maybe. i don't know when this show came out bc i think it has been running perpetually since the 40's when it was lead in to "the twilight zone".

so i sees this asian gentleman, and he makes eye contact with me and smiles. i am pretty certain that in the majority of homosexual circles eye contact is an explicit contract of felatio, so i naturally assumed that he was the homosexual in question. it later turned out that he was the host of the program. i say later, but really it was when i asked him, ... are you famous? were you on this show?...? and then he looked at me for a second and i said, i don't really watch your show... and he shook his head no. and then he told me he was the host.

i heard the host of the show and one of the members of our crew talking about spaceship launches so i decided to let them settle a bet i have with my friend dicky. he said that space started somewhere ridiculously low like 12 miles up. these guys knew their stuff, so i had the host clear up this issue:

me: how far up does SPACE start?
host: well it depends on what you mean by space.
me: well, space. outer space. where does it start in general?
host: it's accepted that space "starts" 100 kilometers up.
me: wow, that's so close. i could throw a tennis ball into space.
host: well, (chuckles), no, not really ... you see
me: no, i have a _really_ good arm.

then that guy who was on the show and is now gay showed up. his voice is haunting in person where it has room to resonate off of the walls and punish your chest cavity. i think he distended my liver. anyway, we talked about everything and nothing all at once it was magical!! i think i'm in love!! also he speaks spanish perfectly, which is kind of strange because he was on star trek.

then at one point i was outside and this guy from the hotel came by with a catering order. and he asked what was going on so i told him that they were doing a live ffed for some website with star trek people. and then he started talking about how he sees a lot of celebrities while working in the hotel. and he said that he saw beyonce, and that she was very beautiful. and that she was more beautiful than the other actresses he has seen at the hotel: halle berry, vivika a. fox, ashante, and a bakers dozen more black actresses. then he said, i think beyonce is mixed blood. and walked away.

oh my god! at the end of the day we were rolling up this big backdrop, and it was a lot of turning this heavy tube, and this one PA was like no forearm workout today!!! and i was like ugngh!!! who would work out such a useless piece of their bodies?!? what would be the benefit?!? what kind of obsessed he-man is he trying to be?!

in other news:
i am taking a new spinning class at the Y and my teacher is a _bitch_! we had to ride stationary bikes to 60 straight minutes of "the theme from knight rider"!! also, the only things she would say:
Big hill, gang!
good job, guys.
like that, back and forth. and based on the spacing between them we could tell how big a hill it was. the thermometer on this guage reads from an atom to killamanjaro.

in e-news:
an email gina sent me:

i have no drive.
i have no business sense.
i am the laziest person alive.
i am listening to bing and bowie christmas duet.
i'm doomed.


my reply:

the text of this email you sent me is the _exact_ same motto that is emblazoned (and
embroidered) on the national flag of my country!!!!!


one last piece of technical news:
i think i need to calibrate my monitor ... i went on an internet date tonight and my date was not, as i imagined her to be from the photo she emailed me, black.

i am going to call my dr at 4am this morning and yell
sorry to call so late, but this is an emergency!!! is zyrteck right for me?!?!??!?!?????!?!?!? IS IT?!?!??!?!??!

I have been thinking about changing Bananas Foster's name to Pants Charming. what do you think? i mean, it works on so many levels. (two).

i went to the pet supplies sotre to buy doggy bags (not the kind for leftovers. ok, not the kind that you would get at a restaurant. at least any decent place. I was looking at this one type of bags, and the sales guy pointed out another, more expensive kind.
salesguy: The great thing about this brand is that they're so _durable_...
me: Yeah, I'm actually only planning on using them once each...

anyway, I bought the brand i normally buy. and they had changed them, they are thinner now. probably some negligible .0 mil but still a bit thinner. i am considering sending them an email suggesting a new slogan to put on all their packaging that says
So thin, it's like using nothing at all!

sensually abused

I just checked some old voice memos i left myself. one of them said, "google the phrase sennnnnnnsualy abused" - and i did. it has been said 9 times.

and this was one of those times:

The Salesinas have to-date established four Vocational Training Centres, manages three parishes, three seminaries, and three rehabilitation centres for sensually abused children and one Apostolic School.

(sensuously abused clocks in at 4 times)

(both results before i posted thisssss).

my pants were lying on the floor and this morning one of the dogs came in and seriously spent like an hour huffing thr crotch of my pants. i thought to myself wow, i must really need to wash those pants, or maybe i'm in heat. either way the dog was SO INTO ME. then i remembered that i went to matty's house last night and his dogs had been sitting in my lap. i still think the dog was probably a little bit into me.

My friend Meg is in a play, and the last show was yesterday, so I went to it with Ed. The play started at 2, and i showed up at ed's house about 1:55. (I had called meg to tell her we would be late and to stall). i called ed about 10 times on the way over, with no answer. then i called meghan his gf and then keeli his roomie. keeli answered and said ed was sleeping. so i get there at 1:55 and i bang on his door and he opens it, wearing shorts and a shirt and his eyes were really bloodshot. he was sort of really hung over. i asked him if he was ready, and he asked me for what. we had talked earlier and made plans to go to the play. So i told him we were supposed to go to Meg's play, which has already started.

ed told me he would need a few minutes to get ready. so he sat down and started eating pizza. he seemed out of it and hadn't had much that wasn't a potent potable in his system so i considered this an allowable part of getting ready in a hurry. then he grabbed his computer and started checking his email. i asked him what that had to do with getting ready, and he told me that he got really drunk last night and that he had to make sure he hadn't written any drunken emails to anyone. i suppose ed was pretty drunk because he kept telling me about last night's debauch - even though i had been at his house, soberly watching him get drunk. the best part of the night was when he ordered a pizza whose toping selection was such a monument to drunken whims that it ended up costing $38.80.

aaaaanywho, after a few more minutes ed tells me that he feels too sick to go to the play. i was a little upset because it would have been better if he would have told me before so that i could have gotten to the play on time, but i didn't really care. i turned to leave when ed stopped me and said he'd get dressed right away. later on he told me that this was his reasoning:

I tried to get my clothes out of the dryer but felt overwhelmed and told you I wasn't going. You seemed upset but understanding. This enraged me. You should have be in tears. I though, 'Fuck you, I'm going.'

So we leave and find the theater (the underground theatre) somewhere in Hollywood and peek in the curtain. it's about 2:20 and the play started twenty minutes ago and it's an hour long, so we are nervous about being so late. A girl waves us inside and we make our way to the back. There are only 4 people in the audience.

My friend meg is not in this scene. One person is filming two people on stage who are talking about their lives and how everything's been lately. One guy was a 30 something doughy dude with a beard who seemed like some sort of film nerd. the other woman looked like macy gray. The dialogue was strange. It felt like we'd wandered into a conversation between two hobos. The macy gray-esque of the actors kept doing this thing with her voice where it would get real deep and she'd say "THAT'S MAGICAL" and the audience would crack up.

I kept on thinking that this was the worst most modern play i had been to.

After a few minutes they repeated the scene again. Ed and I looked at each other - it was now clear that we were both wondering what kind of crazy modern play is this. We continued to watch and while I was struck by how terrible the play was, I also found myself admiring the realistic dialogue. It was so cripplingly banal, i couldn'tbelieve that it could have beeritten that true to life and delivered in this way. I wondeed if i wasn't watching the most realistic, amazing play ever. It seemed like the bearded gentleman was auditioning the other woman, since they kept doing scene lines and discussing this project they are going to be working on. Then the woman went to exit the stage and gave the guy her cell phone number and contact info. A simple exchange, but it was so naturalistic that I found myself in a state of bored admiration.

The woman exited the stage and exchanged pleasantries with the audience. We both thought:

"Are they in the play too?"

Then the male actor stared directly at me.

"Hi", he said.

I didn't respond, unsure of how this play was supposed to work. The actor continued to stare at me, while I wondered if this engagement of the audience was part of this modern play. Ed nudged me:

Ed: "Pablo!!! Answer back!"

Me: "... Hi ..."

Actor on stage: "Can I help you guys", the actor asked, "what are you doing here?"

MeL "Oh, uh ... We're watching ... this play?"

AOS: "That's next door. I'm auditioning people for my short film in here."

Everyone laughed at us. We left. We were in the Underground Theatre annex. for over twenty minutes!! We walked next door to the play but the door guy was so mean to us, he was WHAT ARE YOU HERE FOR?!??!? and we told him we wanted to see the play, and he said, it's almost over, but i have to charge you full price anyway, $15. he was really aggressive and we decided that it wasn't worth it to pay $1 per minute of a play, so we went home.