pablog

2011-06-13T03:47:00.000-07:00

i blaze new trails on google on the reg.

2011-06-10T23:56:00.001-07:00

Sorry loyal blog followers. I haven't posted anything new in a while because I've been so busy opening up my racist ice cream shop, scoop klux klan.

2010-01-29T12:59:00.001-08:00

I just want to take this opportunity to invent a character named Moonscopolese, who is a hydra-headed moons. You know, a character that has many heads, and they are all the moon.

2009-11-15T12:13:00.001-08:00

i bet the phrase "the meme decade" really takes off soon.

2008-08-08T14:08:00.000-07:00

my boss is out on maternity leave and has been replaced by a contract employee*. her name is gena davis, and her name is the best thing about her. i actually wondered after a few days here if she had changed her name to gena davis to make herself more marketable, but i doubt that she did. she is pretty helpless. maybe she just likes to have me do things for her? but the direction her requests are going in makes me think that i will soon be performing her body's autonomic functions for her. the thing that makes these requests less annoying? using her first and last name when thinking about it.
oh, i need to help Gena Davis with some reports.
Gena Davis wants me to order her one of those plastic floor mats to allow her chair to glide over the floor effortlessly - but a smaller one than i have, bc that one is much too large.
i need to open a zipped file for Gena Davis.
i need to send an email requesting a space at next week's screening of _Cheetah Girls 3_ for Gena Davis.
(all real requests)

anyway, she calls me into her office about 8,000 x's /day. it's like working for a toddler who's wearing a smart business suit.

* "contract employee" here is a euphemism for "temp" - and in fact, the guy from the mailroom came by yesterday to give me a check and asked me what i was doing here. i told him i was only gone for a few days on vacation. he meant because my boss is going to be out for 4 months - what would i be doing. i told him that there was a replacement. he asked if she was from the ny office, and i said no, she's a contract employee. his response was wow it must be a pretty non-essential job if they can just hire a temp to replace her.

2008-07-08T14:22:00.000-07:00

some IMPOSTER is trying to horn in on my use of the name "Pants Charming"!!!!

also i have been thinking that my boss is messing with me. my friends say i'm being paranoid, but am i??? also, is this a common blog entry?

2008-06-26T19:42:00.000-07:00

On Thu, Jun 26, 2008 at 6:38 PM, Cecilia wrote:
Theres a thread about fake bco supergroups and someone made a band called the boytatoes and for some reason it made me wonder if that was your own coinage and I googled it with great trepidation and got no hits and I don't know why I ever doubted you.

2008-05-05T23:04:00.000-07:00

ugh omg u guys ... i have toxic shock syndrome.

2008-01-25T11:37:00.000-08:00

last night we were clicking aruond on live tv bc the strike has made television even more of a wasteland when we stumbled upon celebrity rehab. i don't know if that's the real name of the show and i could easily check on the internet but it isn't worth the effort. there was this guy on who was an ultimate fighting champion and got into cocaine. he was talking about how his addiction affected his personal relationships and he mentioned some turmoil with his girlfriend, and then said that they were involved in a domestic abuse. the way he said it one could almost take the blame off of him, until you realize rather quickly that he is, professionally, an ULTIMATE FIGHTER with a cocaine problem, and that his girlfriend is most likely outmatched.

2007-12-14T20:51:00.000-08:00

try to find how much standard international postage is on the internet. it is not the 1 click procedure i assumed it would be.

2007-11-27T10:57:00.000-08:00

i am going to begin selling a new product on this website!!! it's laundry soap and it costs $300/box. it is called couturegent and i am taking orders NOW!!!!

2007-11-01T11:49:00.000-07:00

my sister sent me an article about gay people leaving "gay enclaves" because they have become too expensive for them. i googled this term and it is proven, i have coined it:
mass homosexodus

2007-10-25T14:40:00.000-07:00

i'm very hungry now as well. not cranky though. but it's time for my daily call to the commissary i like to ask what the salad selection is. i call every single day (when i work at disney) to ask what the salad selection is, in the hopes of it being the SouthWestern Caesar Salad (swcs). they have it about once every ten - fourteen days, so i try to call every day bc if you miss it you have to wait 2 weeks. the sad thing - it was the salad the very 1st time i went to that commissary so i was so psyched, i figured i could eat it every single day. then the next day they had a greek salad. then the next day they had a chinese chicken salad, and so on and so forth. so now i call ebvery day. the woman who works in catering must hate it when i get an assignment at disney bc all of a sudden, after weeks or months of silence, i start calling every single day to ask about the salad selection. at one point i could tell she was getting really annoyed w/ me so she stopped picking up her phone. i called more insistently, and would even call the number they had listed under 'catering emergencies'. she started picking up the regular phone again after i did that a few times. (also, she informed me that this was definitely _not_ a catering emergency). i ask every once in a while why the salads aren't listed on the internet, in the hopes that she will grow frustrated w/ my calls and begin putting them on the internet, but they don't/can't bc they make the salad that morning. oh, i don't call for about a week after they have it and i have eaten it, bc i know it won't be coming up again. i used to work close enough to walk over and check on the comm, but now i am too far and if i went for nothing it would be a shame/waste, bc it would mean i would _have_ to eat somethign at the comm, even tho i wouldn't want to, and could have done so much closer in my own building.

2007-10-25T14:12:00.000-07:00

i saw _the nightmare before christmas_ a couple of nights ago ... in 3D!!! it was at the el capitan theater, which is only a couple of blocks from our apt. we walked down to get there for the movie at 915 (normally if i'm going to see a movie at night i prefer to see the latest possible showing of the day, but the 11pm showing was a singalong, and i didn't want superfans to ruin the 3D effects w/ their flailing and voices). but when we got there, at the beginning there was a guy on stage playing the organ, and it sounded pretty amazing. and the theater has thick red velvety curtains, and the organist was wearing a black cape w/ some strange design on the back in shiny black, not sequins, something else. anyway, it seemed like entertainment from a distant future, or another planet. it was pretty amazing. the movie looked good although some of it wasn't as great as other 3D films bc it wasn't originally intended to be gratuitously 3D so it didn't have lots of things flying at the camera, but it did look like it was some strange claymation happening in front of us. i hope they have the 3D film fest again soon. a good time was had by all.

2007-10-15T23:27:00.001-07:00

what's the best place to drink mountain dew?

IN TENTS!!!!!!!!

2007-09-16T07:25:00.001-07:00

i had an idea for a high\low brow party. i think i may be the 1st w\ this specific idea, check out google:

Your search - barthes-b-q - did not match any documents.
barthes-bq - did not match any documents.
barthesbq - did not match any documents.

2007-05-18T13:21:00.000-07:00

i have been working in an office at disney all week (and for the next 2 weeks as well)

here are some conversations i have had while here:

woman in cube next to mine: so ... are you just here for today?
me: no, i'm going to be here for 3 weeks, until the permanent hire's start date.
wicntm: cool! thank you _so_ much for being here to help us out, it's realy appreciated.
me: oh, no, it's totally cool - they're paying me to be here.

guy giving me tour: this is the imagineering building
me: did you get your degree in imagineering?
ggmt: hah, yeah. ... no.

me: can i use this fax machine?
guy sitting by fax: sure.
me: do i have to dial 9 to get an outside line?
gsbf: yes. ... and then hit 1, plus the area code, and then the number. unless it's an 818 number, then you don't need the area code. or the one.
me: i just like asking if i have to dial 9 to get an outside line whenever i work in offices.
gsbf: (sees i had already finished sending my fax and chuckles awkwardly) oh.

2007-04-11T23:18:00.000-07:00

i went to work today. it is a bunch of different things/shoots. the shoot takes place at marilyn monroe's old house. then for many years the house was used as a place to film pornography. now, the owners live in a guest house behind the house, which is rented out to a show on the style network called "how do i look?"

ok. so there were a few shoots today. two of them were for this thing where you date people thru your on demand cable service. it is called 'dating on demand'. it's ridic. i don't even know how it works ... but there was a woman who will be going on a date tomorrow with some guy, and a guy who won a date with a model. the guy who won a date with a model - he was being interviewed for the special episode of 'dating on demand', and here is how part of it went:

interviewer: so, a _model_! what kind of girls do you normally date?
guy: i have dated all types of women; blonde, brunette. redhead. but my mom says i will probably marry a brunette, because she is a brunette.

half way thru the day - they started filming this woman giving style tips. a woman giving style tips for people who are bald from chemotherapy. tip one, go bald! no scarves, no wigs, NO APOLOGIES!!!
also, that line above, it is the _actual_ dialog. the following is also verbatim i kid u knot:
tip two, bandanas. "the classic western style bandana is so popular you won't even be conspicuous when you show up wearing one."

also, i kept calling the show that is filmed in the house "what do i look like?" instead of "how do i look?" and the production manager was like ... what?? i think it's how do i look. and i said no, you're mistaken. and she said oh, and looked slightly confused. and then i said JUICE KIDDING!!! and she laughed.

2007-04-04T14:44:00.000-07:00

things that happened while i was working at the menudo auditions:

this mexican joint had really great horchata.

a boy of maybe 14 years old is going to be interviewed, so he frantically exclaims, 'mom, i need my make up!!'

whenever i would notice the audio engineer was looking super bored i would whisper things about the contestants into the boom mic to cheer him up.

but really the hot dog thing was the best by far.

2007-04-02T12:12:00.000-07:00

this past weekend i worked at this open casting call to be a new member of the supergroup ...
MENUDO.
some things happened and maybe i will relay those events later, but for now i will just mention the best thing about the whole menudo try-outs. at the mall plaza where these auditions were taking place there was a little lunch place that specialized in hot dogs, and right outside the hot dog joint's door there was this human sized hot dog statue. he is represented in complete ecstasy while spraying himself with ketchup and mustard in preparation for you to eat him. here is a picture of it:

look at his grotesque grin!!! he's showing an unnatural level of concentration for both a) applying a condiment and b) preparing ones self to be devoured.
also, in case you are unsure about how excited he is to be eaten by you, here is another shot which shows his foot kicked back in joyful anticipation:

2007-03-26T23:38:00.000-07:00

i was just made aware of this:
Pablo Valencia

now i am going to have to pick a stage name if i want to get into the business of show. because of some square accountant on some nothing picture!!! it's ok, though. i already picked one.
Best,
Pants Charming

2007-02-10T23:50:00.000-08:00

i went to whole foods today. i parked my car and was walking to the elevator. a woman and a man had just gotten in. i wasn't that close and i figured that i would take the next elevator. as the doors were closing the guy looked at me and leaned forward and hit the button and the door opened up again. i did that shuffle running that people do to show that they are hustling for the person who is holding the door's benefit. i got in the elevator and the guy said 'you thought we were going to ditch you!' and i agreed.
when we got inside we both went for the carts, and then took off in different directions but did that thing where we kept passing each other. the third time i passed them i said to the woman, "we're best friends! we rode the elevator together!" she looked horrified and ran away from me. whateca.

2007-01-06T13:46:00.000-08:00

i just went to whole foods because i was really craving some of their fauxreos. i was in line behind a woman who had a salad and a People magazine. (how american!!) ok. so she pays for her things and then the cashier-lady is taping the salad dressing cup to the top of the salad and the woman says oh it's ok, i'm going to eat it now.
then the cashier starts ringing up my purchases (mustard and box of fauxreos) and :

cashier: are any of your items to be eaten here?
me: you're just asking me because you forgot to charge that lady the tax because she's going to eat her salad here.
cashier: uhh yeah. i remembered right as she said she was going to eat it.
me: let me tell you something. i would _NEVER_ tell you if i were going to eat my cookies here.

2006-12-12T10:01:00.000-08:00

SUCKJAZZ

i am the first person on the internet to say "suckjazz" that is so totally weird to me.

2006-12-07T13:25:00.000-08:00

i was going to get the dogs turkey for thanksgiving but then dogman told me that turkey is very bad for dogs. i felt bad not getting them anything so i made them some chocolate covered chicken bones. that way it is nice and sweet and they have something to chew on.

2006-11-26T02:10:00.000-08:00

part of a conversation i had w/ dicky:

dicky: you've never seen _batman returns_? danny devito plays the most hideous creature you could ever imagine.
me: did he play himself?!

then later i kept asking dicky 'was that the funniest thing you've ever heard?!' and he would say no.

2006-11-19T23:56:00.000-08:00

today i worked for TV LAND again. i think i totally blogged up a storm about when i worked for them on some "a different world" promos. you can watch this space for more information on that previous blogcast. email my blog-master at jsfoer@vasinboy.blogspot.com.

i don't know much about star trek bc i find that show really boring!!! not really. i just have never watched it. and i feel like watching one minute of it is the same as getting my ears surgically altered to resemble those of Spock (who i am told is a character on this show w/, shall we say, _unusual_ ears). yo ps of course i know who spock is i am not trying to cover up for watching this show or any show under the umbrella of sci fi nerdoria. i do not watch these shows, i do not paint miniatures in the garage, etc.

aaanywho, i had vaguely heard that there was an old asian man who was on the show who was gay. so when the first bit o' talent arrived it was a woman and an asian man who was in his 40's maybe. i don't know when this show came out bc i think it has been running perpetually since the 40's when it was lead in to "the twilight zone".

so i sees this asian gentleman, and he makes eye contact with me and smiles. i am pretty certain that in the majority of homosexual circles eye contact is an explicit contract of felatio, so i naturally assumed that he was the homosexual in question. it later turned out that he was the host of the program. i say later, but really it was when i asked him, ... are you famous? were you on this show?...? and then he looked at me for a second and i said, i don't really watch your show... and he shook his head no. and then he told me he was the host.

i heard the host of the show and one of the members of our crew talking about spaceship launches so i decided to let them settle a bet i have with my friend dicky. he said that space started somewhere ridiculously low like 12 miles up. these guys knew their stuff, so i had the host clear up this issue:

me: how far up does SPACE start?
host: well it depends on what you mean by space.
me: well, space. outer space. where does it start in general?
host: it's accepted that space "starts" 100 kilometers up.
me: wow, that's so close. i could throw a tennis ball into space.
host: well, (chuckles), no, not really ... you see
me: no, i have a _really_ good arm.

then that guy who was on the show and is now gay showed up. his voice is haunting in person where it has room to resonate off of the walls and punish your chest cavity. i think he distended my liver. anyway, we talked about everything and nothing all at once it was magical!! i think i'm in love!! also he speaks spanish perfectly, which is kind of strange because he was on star trek.

then at one point i was outside and this guy from the hotel came by with a catering order. and he asked what was going on so i told him that they were doing a live ffed for some website with star trek people. and then he started talking about how he sees a lot of celebrities while working in the hotel. and he said that he saw beyonce, and that she was very beautiful. and that she was more beautiful than the other actresses he has seen at the hotel: halle berry, vivika a. fox, ashante, and a bakers dozen more black actresses. then he said, i think beyonce is mixed blood. and walked away.

oh my god! at the end of the day we were rolling up this big backdrop, and it was a lot of turning this heavy tube, and this one PA was like no forearm workout today!!! and i was like ugngh!!! who would work out such a useless piece of their bodies?!? what would be the benefit?!? what kind of obsessed he-man is he trying to be?!

in other news:
i am taking a new spinning class at the Y and my teacher is a _bitch_! we had to ride stationary bikes to 60 straight minutes of "the theme from knight rider"!! also, the only things she would say:
Big hill, gang!
good job, guys.
like that, back and forth. and based on the spacing between them we could tell how big a hill it was. the thermometer on this guage reads from an atom to killamanjaro.

in e-news:
an email gina sent me:

i have no drive.
i have no business sense.
i am the laziest person alive.
i am listening to bing and bowie christmas duet.
i'm doomed.

my reply:

the text of this email you sent me is the _exact_ same motto that is emblazoned (and
embroidered) on the national flag of my country!!!!!

one last piece of technical news:
i think i need to calibrate my monitor ... i went on an internet date tonight and my date was not, as i imagined her to be from the photo she emailed me, black.

2006-11-19T23:47:00.000-08:00

i am going to call my dr at 4am this morning and yell
sorry to call so late, but this is an emergency!!! is zyrteck right for me?!?!??!?!?????!?!?!? IS IT?!?!??!?!??!

2006-11-17T03:56:00.000-08:00

I have been thinking about changing Bananas Foster's name to Pants Charming. what do you think? i mean, it works on so many levels. (two).

2006-11-11T13:30:00.000-08:00

i went to the pet supplies sotre to buy doggy bags (not the kind for leftovers. ok, not the kind that you would get at a restaurant. at least any decent place. I was looking at this one type of bags, and the sales guy pointed out another, more expensive kind.
salesguy: The great thing about this brand is that they're so _durable_...
me: Yeah, I'm actually only planning on using them once each...

anyway, I bought the brand i normally buy. and they had changed them, they are thinner now. probably some negligible .0 mil but still a bit thinner. i am considering sending them an email suggesting a new slogan to put on all their packaging that says
So thin, it's like using nothing at all!

2006-11-11T11:58:00.000-08:00

sensually abused

I just checked some old voice memos i left myself. one of them said, "google the phrase sennnnnnnsualy abused" - and i did. it has been said 9 times.

and this was one of those times:

The Salesinas have to-date established four Vocational Training Centres, manages three parishes, three seminaries, and three rehabilitation centres for sensually abused children and one Apostolic School.

(sensuously abused clocks in at 4 times)

(both results before i posted thisssss).

2006-11-09T09:40:00.000-08:00

my pants were lying on the floor and this morning one of the dogs came in and seriously spent like an hour huffing thr crotch of my pants. i thought to myself wow, i must really need to wash those pants, or maybe i'm in heat. either way the dog was SO INTO ME. then i remembered that i went to matty's house last night and his dogs had been sitting in my lap. i still think the dog was probably a little bit into me.

2006-11-06T16:43:00.000-08:00

My friend Meg is in a play, and the last show was yesterday, so I went to it with Ed. The play started at 2, and i showed up at ed's house about 1:55. (I had called meg to tell her we would be late and to stall). i called ed about 10 times on the way over, with no answer. then i called meghan his gf and then keeli his roomie. keeli answered and said ed was sleeping. so i get there at 1:55 and i bang on his door and he opens it, wearing shorts and a shirt and his eyes were really bloodshot. he was sort of really hung over. i asked him if he was ready, and he asked me for what. we had talked earlier and made plans to go to the play. So i told him we were supposed to go to Meg's play, which has already started.

ed told me he would need a few minutes to get ready. so he sat down and started eating pizza. he seemed out of it and hadn't had much that wasn't a potent potable in his system so i considered this an allowable part of getting ready in a hurry. then he grabbed his computer and started checking his email. i asked him what that had to do with getting ready, and he told me that he got really drunk last night and that he had to make sure he hadn't written any drunken emails to anyone. i suppose ed was pretty drunk because he kept telling me about last night's debauch - even though i had been at his house, soberly watching him get drunk. the best part of the night was when he ordered a pizza whose toping selection was such a monument to drunken whims that it ended up costing $38.80.

aaaaanywho, after a few more minutes ed tells me that he feels too sick to go to the play. i was a little upset because it would have been better if he would have told me before so that i could have gotten to the play on time, but i didn't really care. i turned to leave when ed stopped me and said he'd get dressed right away. later on he told me that this was his reasoning:

I tried to get my clothes out of the dryer but felt overwhelmed and told you I wasn't going. You seemed upset but understanding. This enraged me. You should have be in tears. I though, 'Fuck you, I'm going.'

So we leave and find the theater (the underground theatre) somewhere in Hollywood and peek in the curtain. it's about 2:20 and the play started twenty minutes ago and it's an hour long, so we are nervous about being so late. A girl waves us inside and we make our way to the back. There are only 4 people in the audience.

My friend meg is not in this scene. One person is filming two people on stage who are talking about their lives and how everything's been lately. One guy was a 30 something doughy dude with a beard who seemed like some sort of film nerd. the other woman looked like macy gray. The dialogue was strange. It felt like we'd wandered into a conversation between two hobos. The macy gray-esque of the actors kept doing this thing with her voice where it would get real deep and she'd say "THAT'S MAGICAL" and the audience would crack up.

I kept on thinking that this was the worst most modern play i had been to.

After a few minutes they repeated the scene again. Ed and I looked at each other - it was now clear that we were both wondering what kind of crazy modern play is this. We continued to watch and while I was struck by how terrible the play was, I also found myself admiring the realistic dialogue. It was so cripplingly banal, i couldn'tbelieve that it could have beeritten that true to life and delivered in this way. I wondeed if i wasn't watching the most realistic, amazing play ever. It seemed like the bearded gentleman was auditioning the other woman, since they kept doing scene lines and discussing this project they are going to be working on. Then the woman went to exit the stage and gave the guy her cell phone number and contact info. A simple exchange, but it was so naturalistic that I found myself in a state of bored admiration.

The woman exited the stage and exchanged pleasantries with the audience. We both thought:

"Are they in the play too?"

Then the male actor stared directly at me.

"Hi", he said.

I didn't respond, unsure of how this play was supposed to work. The actor continued to stare at me, while I wondered if this engagement of the audience was part of this modern play. Ed nudged me:

Ed: "Pablo!!! Answer back!"

Me: "... Hi ..."

Actor on stage: "Can I help you guys", the actor asked, "what are you doing here?"

MeL "Oh, uh ... We're watching ... this play?"

AOS: "That's next door. I'm auditioning people for my short film in here."

Everyone laughed at us. We left. We were in the Underground Theatre annex. for over twenty minutes!! We walked next door to the play but the door guy was so mean to us, he was WHAT ARE YOU HERE FOR?!??!? and we told him we wanted to see the play, and he said, it's almost over, but i have to charge you full price anyway, $15. he was really aggressive and we decided that it wasn't worth it to pay $1 per minute of a play, so we went home.

2006-10-28T23:18:00.000-07:00

really long ian frazier article about fishing in the new nyer. he also wrote a really long one about birding before. i google image searched him:

2006-10-27T19:59:00.000-07:00

my prediction: if the dems win a lot of power in this next election the pape's will use the following as a headline:
BLUE'S COUPS!
i just googled it, no one has said that before. this post is epic.

2006-10-27T00:07:00.000-07:00

today: i got this new toothpaste today. i opened the box and pulled it out. it is the most obscene color. it is a metallic glittery aquamarine w/ sparkles. it is some space barbie looking junk and it is so offensive to the eyes that i don't know if i want it to be a part of my life for the duration of a tube of toothpaste. i considered making it mouthkiss the tube of toothpaste that is running low and transferring the contents w/ some squeezgery (squeeze surgery). i actually did this once in college, when i was running low on toothpaste, and some other dorm resident had carelessly left their tube of toothpaste behind where anyone could syphon out the paste. this was when i was at one of my most lethal combinations of impoverished and lazy. but - back to present day toothpaste, i am contemplating the tube as i notice this giant arrow ont he side pointing up towards the cap of the tube. here is a crude representation of the tube, arrow, and text accompanying arrow:

...................______________________________________________
..........._____/
..........I_=== ]<-------Stay-Clean Cap
................../ Twist off cap and remove foil seal.
................./________________________________________________

so i removed the cap and there was NO FOIL SEAL. normally i wouldn't think about it but why were they so specific and then there was no foil seal? i know that i opened the carton box surrounding the tube, but still, someone probably poisoned it. it was the first one on the shelf. why did i take it? i thought it would save energy to take the nearest one. what madman would poison toothpaste? i am going to use it. watch this space for updates on my condition. if this is my last blog, FADE TO BLACK, TEXT FADE IN:
Pablo Valencia
1976 - 2006
He was too beautiful for this world.

yesterday: my sister got a job designing bootleg louis vuitton bags in spain so she is staying on there for three years. so she needs to get some paperwork done to sort out her visa. so she had to submit to some examination of her good upbringing. they took her fingerprints and did some background work on her. this is a good time to break off from this story. the first job i worked at disney (as a temp, for one week) was as this one lawyer's assistant. the department did background checks for all potential hires by disney. they had me run these people's names and numbers to get background checks on them. and then if there were flags we would send them a note. the thing is, sometimes these peope were applying to work at the theme park, and sometimes those people were convicted sex offenders. naturally, they wouldn't get hired. but this is the fun thing. i would send them a letter, of course, telling them that they couldn't be hired because they were flagged by the system and they could not be around children. and these letters were mailed out on dis letterhead official stationery, but the kind with "Tada Mickey!" on them. Tada Mickey is mickey w/ his arms held out wide and one foot kind of up and he looks really happy and like he's appearing out of nowhere TADA!!

i have more stories about this boss but maybe... another time? for now lettuce return to the thread re: this paperwork for my sister's visa. so, my sister has to get this paperwork done, and because she is already in spain, they are making it hard for her. so she had to get this piece of official paperwork stating that she is not a criminal of any sort and is of the highest cut jib and all that. so that paper is requested, and mailed to me. this official looking paper looks like something anyone could recreate if they had the proper software and printer. the proper software and printer in this case would be printshop deluxe and dot matrix, respectively.

the next stage of this errand was getting this paper notarized. or so we thought. i drove around and pulled over at this place that had a notary sign. there was a hasid inside (who looked like he was experiencing some sort of bleaching damage to his payos) who told me that it wasn't notarization that i needed, since no one could be there to sign it. he said for an apostille i would need to get it acknowledged by a notary, drive to norwalk to the county clerk's office to get the notary's signature verified, and bring it downtown la to get the county clerk's office seal verified and then they would give it to me w/ another seal on it. then i could mail it to my parents where they will finish the rest of this byzantinely complex task.

ok, so the acknowledgement, verification, and verification verification went pretty well. the only hold up was when i was leaving the parking structure in downtown la. i normally hate to park in lots but parking downtown is a racket. parking on the street was a quarter for ten minutes, and a time limit of one hour. i didn't have that many quarters, and sisterpants said that the wait in the la office might be over an hour. so i parked at this lot that was righ next door to the building. it was $3 for every 20 minutes, $9 maximum all day. i went out, and got to the guard shack and gave them my ticket. it was $6 and they only accepted cash, no atm, credit, debit, check, scrip, etc. all i had in my car was a one dollar bill, a one dollar coin, and handfuls of pennies. i keep pennies in the car in case i ever get super accosted by a scragbaggler. i read somewhere that hobos are interested in pennies, as curiosities. so they had me park in the monthly exit lane while they sent me to an atm machine that was 2 doors down. one door down was a little deli type place that also refused to take anything but cash. (suspish!) so i took out some money and i was heading back when i thought up a fun little way to exact my revenge on the parking lot's reign of tyranny. i went into the cash only deli and bought a banana. it was fifty cents, which is steep for a banana, but i was hungry. for revenge! and potassium/banana. i hadn't eaten since that morning when i made myself a Copenhagen. so i bought the banana with a twenty, and received change, including 4 singles and fifty cents. i separated the four dollars plus the one dollar bill i had from before, the fifty cents, and went back to my car. there i counted out 51 pennies to give to the guards to bump me up to the exit price of $6. (i put in an extra penny in the hopes that it would make them count the pennies twice). i handed the guard this handful of currency, and was about to go out when she said, it's $9 now. and i said, what?
guard: the clock was still running...
me: that's all i have.
guard: but it's nine dollars.
me: that's all i have.
then she went over to talk to another guard. they talked for a bit, and she asked again. i told her i only had the $6 i had given them. i think using a sack of pennies helped my case.
guard: ok, we can let you leave. $6 please.
i had already given them to her, so this made me smile really wide and nod, leeringly. then she lifted the gate and i left.
i think the rest of that day went by w/o incident.

2006-10-25T23:53:00.000-07:00

on monday i got a call from molly who works at the production company that hires me sometimes. i missed the actual call,. but i saw that she had left a message. her messages are always something like, 'hey, there's a half day of work on friday, and possibly two days next week. call me back if you can work.' and then she calls back a minute later to say, 'scrap those two days, but i'd still like you for friday afternoon.' anywho, i called her back without listening to the message and i said molly, i called as soon as i got your urgent message. and she said, so can you work tomorrow? and i said sure.

then later i got the call sheet and i saw that this:
-DVX100 camera w/ tripod (Pablo will operate – please set to standard, 16x9 as well.)

then i listened to her message, where she says, 'hey, i know this is last minute, but i need someone for tomorrow, and you'd be a PA, but also operating the camera, i don't know if you'd be comfortable doing that. but i need to find someone so please call me soon. thanks'

i told myself, you gotta look up a picture of the dvx 100 online to see what it looks like, and i had planned on looking up the camera online before hand to know how it works et cetera but then time sort of ran out and it was between looking up the camera online or shaving and i decided i looked way too scruffy. so i shaved and left.

the shoot was this interview w/ jim brown, who i am told is a very famous and amazing football player. i'm kidding, i did know who he was beforehand, even tho i think watching sports is a waste of time and i am really confused when anyone i know enjoys it. ed invited me over for a bbq and the game would be on and meghan was going as well and naturally i thought that they were joking but about 30 seconds after i had finished my hot dog i started to get really antsy and upset about where i was. the second hot dog did little to rectify the situation, as it allowed me to consume it and then i was left w. nothing but football. (ed and meeg are alumns, i don't remember what school they go to but i am pretty sure it is unaccredited.) but jim brown is a pretty big name, i spose, because i remember it from childhood and school, the last places where i was forced to endure a conversation about sports. but yeah i remember his name. so i drive there.

oh i took a little bit longer shaving than usual, and then i had a huge dilema because i had absolutely _nothing to wear_! it's true! my clothes were all in my car when it caught on fire and the insurance paperwork hasn't finished being processed yet so i had to borrow a bunch of dogman's pique polo shirts and khakis. he said looking at me in his clothing is like looking into an adorable and magical mirror. then i found some shirts i had been using as a pillow so i put on one of those. but chosing one took a long time, and rubbing the wrinkles out of it was physically taxing. (my clothes were in my car because my closet is filled w/ pillows). (the fire in my car was due to my matchbook collection - or my pet white phosphorus hunk). (those were in my car bc i am getting my curio cabinet refaced).

so i leave a little late, and it is a house in the hills off of sunset, so i start going up the road. and i go all the way to his address, a few thou off of the start. and i can't find the address. i try calling, but mobilephones are finicky on mount olympus. after a few minutes i look at someone's mail and i see i am on the wrong street. so i wind down and then go up the right one. i got there about 20 minutes late.

luckily most of the heavy lifting had been done by the director of photography and the audio engineer by the time i got there. the DP said to me, 'so, you're working the digital video camera then right?' (he's british, i feel like they ask all things tho innit right tho guv?) anyway, due possibly somewhat to my fear of being exposed as a fraud but at least partially to his heavy cockney accent i mishear him, and i yelp back, 'did you just ask me if i've ever worked a digital video camera before?!?!?'
DP: No, I _assume_ you've worked one before. i asked you if you _were_ doing it.
me: oh yeah, of course. to both.

i brought in a few things when the DP told me that maybe i should set up my camera. (when will this guy get off my back and start sweeping my chimney?!?!) i moved towards some cases until the dp stopped looking worried and then i grabbed the closest one. the producer at this point said he wanted to go over some shot specifications w/ me. the shot list just said close ups of eyes, hand, tracking shots of hands, eyes, zooming shots (to eyes and hands during emotional parts). then he asked me what kind of camera i was shooting w/. i told him a dvx 100 (i remembered thinking i really should have looked up the camera, but then realized how horrible i look w/ a scruff mustache. also, i was pretty sure it would be the standard camera set up that the elephant-over-the-shoulder-dadcam has. bright red button for record, nothing else worth looking at.) he said that was a great camera, and i agreed and looked down quickly to try and halt him from starting a technology-heavy convo w/ me.

then i opened up the camera case and saw the camera. after a bit of inspection i realized how to pull it out of the case, and i began trying to put a battery in the camera. (here's a fun fact - in the biz, we call batteries bricks!) (the biz = the business of show/entertainment). so i am holding the camera in one hand, every few seconds thinking that i should probably be paying more attn to it, since i am waving it around trying to find out how to make it mate w/ the brick in my other hand. i see where the batt goes but i can't seem to get it in there. i am scared to try harder because don't want to break it, but i don't want to be too ginger w/ this thing either. so i am sitting there trying to figure it out and every 10 seconds or so i press the battery to where it is supposed to fit and it comes back in my hand, failing to have magically connected itself to the camera, allowing itself to be consumed for art. after a few minutes the producer tell me that he thinks i have to lift up the eye piece in order to slide the battery in. he's right. i tell him i'm not that familiar w/ _this camera_ and he seems mollified.

i did manage to find the way to make it go 16:9/widescreen, so that was good. right before shooting the dp looked at my camera and moved about a hundred knobs and pushed a bunch of buttons tho. the only thing he said was, 'you want it on this setting if you're going 24p' or 24f. i don't know/remember and i don't remember what the dial was on when he told me. either way, i was ready to go and jim brown sat down a few feet in front of me. (there was another camera further away, shooting a static shot of the interview).

i start shooting and zooming and panning like i was instructed to. his eyes are actually pretty expressive, and my slow zooms to show just from his eyebrows to the bottom of his lips while he is talking about his lack of a father figure and racial problems prevalent when he played football are heartbreakingly beautfiul. i do this for a long time. i keep trying to get his hands, but i can't zoom out far enough because i'm pretty close to him on a tripod. (we call those sticks in the industry!) (the industry, again, another term for the business of making and selling that sweet hollywood magic). but as the interview is winding down, i decide to do a slow zoom on his eyes, and then pan down his face, and down his arm, to his hands, in his lap. i zoom in to his eyes, and begin to follow down his arms. his arms, albeit old, are still gigantic. they are unreal. i go down his hulking arm and catch his hands, folded in his lap. the camera is perched on the sticks, you may remember, and i am panning by using the arm on the side of the camera to control it, so that it moves really slowly and gracefully. at this point, just as i am perched above his lap, pointing the camera at his hands, folded in his lap like a docile lamb, (w/ weird human hands) he begins getting animated and moves his hands. so i have a full zoom and have tilted my camera down straight into his crotch. i start to widen the shot and move the camera away as quickly as possible but it is on that slow moving movement-arm, so when the editor watches this footage they may likely wonder what my intentions were in my dramatic kubric-esqu slow zoom out of this man's crotch. oh. and another thing, he was wearing those track pants that are kind of shiny and soft material. and he is, as i mentioned before, a rather large man. due to all the lumps and mass, it pretty much looked like he had a kitten hidden in his pants. look for it, i think the show is called the 10 greatest college running backs of all time, or something.

just thought of something. what if jim brown googles himself and reads this? will it be awkward if i ever run into him again?

2006-10-21T10:45:00.000-07:00

ed just got a blackberry. now i send him 1 line unimportant emails w. subject headings like URGENT and OPEN IMMEDIATELY PLEASE and they say things like THIS IS YOUR BLACKBERRY SPEAKING!!! IT SMELLS IN YOUR POCKET!!!! he leaves for spain in 2 days to oversee the filming of his new film, _black OUT!!!_ i hope he still gets coverage over there.

2006-10-21T10:02:00.000-07:00

everytime i check the time on a non-digital watch or clock, if i happen to already know what hour it is i feel as if i'm cheating and i wonder if i would have been able to decode the bizarre hyroglyphs and decipher the abstract way in which this device works.

also, i really love the technical definitions of some words. grotesque is a good example. the 1st def is odd in shape, fantastically ugly or absurd, etc, the 2nd, more technical definition is 'fantastic in the shaping and combination of forms, as in decorative work combining incongruous human and animal figures with scrolls, foliage, etc.' so i would love to go into a museum and comment about how things are so _GROTESQUE_!!!

2006-10-20T01:40:00.000-07:00

ed and i were talking tonight about how it's strange that people don't see us as punks, because we were when we grew up. but now we both look so conservative. and how we should start doing more punk things again. on the list was getting some things from when we go back east next, like our skateboards and our old punk shirts. i'm probably going to get my shirts tailored.

2006-10-20T00:15:00.000-07:00

here are some more pics yay!!!!! BE WARNED THEY ARE BLURRY AND OF LOW QUALITY!!!!!!

another typewriter drawing. this one is called "millions on paper"

this is my fave collage in the history of art, and i suspect it is yours as well.

this one is a bit blurry, but i felt i had set a precedent for low quality pics in my last posting, so i decided to continue. it's called "not now"

2006-10-18T10:17:00.000-07:00

here are some pictures of my art show yay!!!

this is me checking out some of my artwork.

this is one of my typewriter drawings (mentioned a couple o blogs ago). this one is called "ten letters". it's quite good.

this one is of a collage i did. the photo is blurry but i think the collage is good. it's called "my tribe's creation myth"

this collage is called "your future in space".

there isn't really a good photo of my fave collage. It's partially visible in the 1st photo. you can't see the whole thing tho, and it's unfortunate for you all, since it is probably the best piece of artwork done so far this century.

2006-10-17T09:42:00.000-07:00

HAPPY BIRTHDAY SISTERPANTS!!!

i hope it doesn't ruin your birthday celebration to know that i am cleaning my room!!! i just found so many pennies. what am i going to do with them all?!? they are so worthless, i don't even think homeless people are interested in them. maybe as curiosities.

2006-10-15T23:03:00.000-07:00

my friend meghan asked me if she could buy a typewriter drawing for her friend laura for her birthday. some of these drawings were recently exhibited at kaspar hauser in la, and she saw them there. the one she wants says "Ph.D." on it, and is named _doctorate_. i have decided to let her purchase this for ... one meal. i think this way it will be awesome in the
future when i am famous and people inquire about how cheaply i sold things when i was poor and a nobody. and people will say, he sold artwork in exchange for a sandwich!!! and it will astound people because they know how cheap sandwiches are. if it were something ridiculously low in dollars, or even not so low, people would have no concept of how inexpensively it was. i mean, by like 2100 or sometime when people ask about my artwork prices in 2006, if you say $100 - i mean, for all they know we were still bartering w/ shells or we had been using sheckels at that point in time. they will have NO WAY OF KNOWING. _although_ i think meghan's descendents will be upset when they know she carelessly gave away priceless artwork. how cavalier!

2006-10-15T19:01:00.000-07:00

yesterday:

dogman: the boys are looking good, they've both gotten thinner.
me: yeah, they totally hit their goal weight. i wish i had their discipline.
dogman: but... they don't have a choice as to what they eat...

2006-10-06T02:26:00.000-07:00

i was walking the dogs the other morning, and i saw the guy who lives two doors down. and his little dog was outside w/ him. the guy had him off his leash, but the dog was willfiull. it wasn't one of those dogs that stays off the leash and won't leave your side. it was totally bullying this guy! not listening at all. so willfull! so the dog starts looking at my dogs, and the guy's like kokomo, no! and kokomo ignored him, and started walking over towards us, and the guy kept yelling kokomo!
no!!! and then he picked up the little dog and was walking to get inside, and i am approaching him the whole time. as i get kind of close to this guy i realize he is dressed a little strangely, like a t-shirt and silk shorts and a little bathrobe. and then he starts saying 'he takes my shoes... kokomo ... my shoes... he puts them in the backyard...' and i look down and the guy is wearing two incredibly mismatched shoes. on his left foot was a white/light colored croc and on his right foot he was wearing a black loafer.

2006-10-03T09:35:00.000-07:00

i had my art show on friday night. the flyer mistakenly said friday, september 30th, and it was the 29th, and i am blaming the slight attendance on this fact alone. but there was a chance to talk to people and more cheese for everyone who came. ed brought two checks in anticipation of buying artwork, but the two that he wanted were some of my faves and i didn't want to sell them, so i told him i would just keep them on the walls of his apt. i am over there all the time anyway. i think he's going to give me a set of keys. i pretty much decided not to give back one of his street parking permits a few weeks ago. now i don't have to go upstairs and then downstairs every time i park around his house. and his apt is on the 4th floor, and the elevator is super slow. andy k was altered in la as he was riding up and was all, "WHAT FLOOR DOES HE LIVE ON!?!?!?" bc it felt like we'd been in the elevator for a year and a day. and i said "27" and he was like WTF?!?! then he remembered we are in la where there aren't really many tall buildings and if there are, we certainly didn't go into one and he looked at the wall and there were only 5 buttons or so and then he realized i had been funning him. but whenever we get in the elevator and it feels slow me or ed will say WHAT FLOOR DO YOU LIVE ON?!?! oh, at the art show, ed helped to make the amount of alcohol imbibed appear as if the gallery had been filled to max capacity w/ thirsty winos. ed got super drunk and at one point he went into the kitchen to get something (presumably a drink). the kitchen has a swinging door. like in a restaurant, from the kitchen, it has no handles - just those push plates and you push through it every time you walk through it. ed was so drunk that he couldn't figure out how to get out of the kitchen, and then we heard him scratching at the door push plate to try and pry it open but he couldn't get a good grip on it. then after a few minutes it became silent, and then he tried scratching again. meghan and i could hear this all on the other side of the door, where we were laughing and talking about how ed couldn't figure out the door. and then we hear ed knock to be let out! and we laughed some more. later on when we went in there ed was sitting on the counter drinking a beer and i asked what happened and he said "i was trapped"

2006-09-23T01:09:00.000-07:00

CONGRATS TO NICOLE REDDEN!!!

after 2 years of hard work at nicole's unaccredited college, she has finally earned her certificate!!

CONGRATS!!!

2006-09-23T00:38:00.000-07:00

i was walking down the street w/ ed and these two girls a few paces ahead of us were doing the careful walk and looking at the sidewalk./ we assume they dropped something delicate and were trying to avoid stepping on it before they found it. i asked what they were looking for, and they said the metal piece from her zipper. then this other guy came up right behind us and was like what did you drop? and i said "contact lens. and faberge eggs."

2006-09-22T02:28:00.000-07:00

today at the gym, i walked towards a scale at the same time as an old naked man. they frequent my gym. so, i offered to let him go first. but i wasn't really sure if that was the polite thing to do in the situation. i mean, he was naked. i'm still waiting to use the scale, so i will be watching him. is his lack of choice in my watching him a threat in some way? but also, if i go first, that;'s more time i'm making him stand around naked. and if that isn't my expressed explicit goal, am i leading him on?! but then he told me to go first. i was wearing clothes and sneakers, and he told me that my sneakers probably weighed five pounds. i am pretty sure that this was the first step in a multi-tiered attack plan to get me to weigh in naked to read my "true weight" - so i just said thanks and scurried away from the scale.

2006-09-08T18:40:00.000-07:00

mercedes (the housekeeper) just left the house for about 10 minutes and returned w/ her youngest son, Oba - age 6. he sat on the couch in the living room where i was sitting. i was eating ice cream, and i felt bad eating it in front of a little kid, so i went to mercedes and asked if i could offer him some ice cream. her response was, 'no. no, he does nothing.'
he is SIX.
ps. his two front teeth are platinum.

ok. this happened a bit later. i was sitting in my room, typing an email to sisterpants, and i hear him say, (and he has that weird little kid gravely voice thing going on) "you like to type." it caught me off guard and i said, "what? oh yeah, type. i was writing an email. to my sister." (and i added the sister part like i was guilty and that made my offence better. and then he points at this old timey typewriter i have and says, "i see that you like to type." and i replied, 'oh, yeah, the typewriter." then he said "good evening." and he left.
five minutes later he showed up in my doorway again and said, "may i type?" i told him sure and i put paper in there and he noodled around a little bit. his approach to written language is transcendental. i gave him what nunsense he managed to mash onto paper and he seemed really pleased and thanked me and left w/ typings. he abandoned the paper somewhere between here and the front door.

2006-09-05T18:49:00.000-07:00

i discovered a great way to save money today.
dogman buys all the dogfood in the house. from now on, i am only eating dogfood.

2006-09-04T14:03:00.000-07:00

my fave commercial at the mo:

my friend says that this is a translation of the lyrics from hungarian:
"I go in, I come out, but how niiiiiiiicely I come out, if I go in."

2006-09-03T08:52:00.000-07:00

last night there was a little party at stanley house because it is land's birthday on the 6th, mine on the 10th, and chloe just moved in. so we were there. at one point there was a group of people inside and there was this one guy i didn't know who we were all talking to. someone mentioned that their friends were married by a humanist priest, or some strange splinter cell of christianity. i asked if the humanists had any wedding traditions, like the ancient jewish wedding tradition of stepping on the light bulb. the guy no one knew said uh, it's a glass. and i said actually i'm preeeeeeeety sure it's a lightbulb. and he said IT'S NOT in this strange angry way and everyone got real quiet like for a few seconds.

ps. i saw this advertisment for a new crib designed by the chinese for baby girls:

2006-08-29T22:58:00.000-07:00

here is a short film starring bananas foster, written by bananas foster, mis-en-scene by bananas foster. directed by land smith-abbinante:

2006-08-28T11:52:00.000-07:00

here is a short film starring bananas foster and land smith-abbinante. written by land smith-abbinante, with additional material written by bananas foster. directed by bananas foster. edited by land smith-abbinante:

2006-08-23T19:46:00.000-07:00

kmristen: i read your blog somewhat compulsively. it's the scourge of unemployment.

2006-08-20T02:11:00.000-07:00

something tonight reminded me of this old guy named wally that i used to work with. he one time told me that i could name any country on earth, and he either fought a war there, tried to park a car there, or nailed a hooker there. he said that after he asked me where i was from and i replied, 'new jersey'.

2006-08-15T21:05:00.000-07:00

wow... today i defeated my mortal enemy.
by taking a brisk walk, i have defeated you, high blood pressure!

2006-08-14T15:00:00.000-07:00

Here is the logo for my production company:

mindhoney entertainment

2006-08-13T18:49:00.000-07:00

sooo. i've been away from you for a long time. i can only move around a little bit, very late at night so that the workers downstairs won't hear me.

i worked on some mtv shoots all last week, or the week before. time is immaterial when you have 7 day weekends. so my first day was at the W hotel, panic! at the disco were being filmed for this promo. here are both promos. watch them, and i can tell you about them.

this is the 1st one:

ok, around second 10 the camera swings over to where the moonman is standing, i am hidden behind one of the cabanas over his right shoulder. i am hidden there for the second one as well.

and here's the second one:

i had never seen this band, i knew very little about them. i knew they were played on kroq style radio stations, that's about it. i thought they would be kind of emo and mod dressin but they were a bit over the top. the one guy's jacket (you can't tell in the vid) looked like it was made out of the children's playclothes' material. it has a large flur-de-lis pattern. what's goin on, guy? also - two of them were beyond hideously ugly. kris said if they stopped dressing like lil' lord fauntleroys they would be upgraded to ugly.

the next day was in the ocean w/ the chilli peps. pretty uneventful day, i stayed on the pier. oh man, i talked to someone, they said my blog was so hot hot hot that it is going to feature commercials. corporations realize i am a vital marketing tool. please watch this commercial, i get paid if you do, and i will take you out to a snocone.

ok. watch it again, but this time make absolutely sure you see the cellist on the cliff face right as the commercial starts, and then how intensely the guy in the last shot looks away from the camera. ROIGHT?!?

the last day of the shoot was with all american rejects in the morning, and paris hilton in the afternoon. great. now i'm going to tell a story about all american rejects that you're skimming ahead thru in the hopes of finding a paris hilton story. so i'll ernie-style give you your dessert first.

my job was to turn a fan on paris when the cameras weren't recording her. !!! i think i ranked below the animal trainer's jar of baby food.

all american rehects!!! let me set up this commercial's boffo gag for you!
the line: all american rejects are chillen' at a bar
the hook: they are sent bottles of beer, courtesy of the gentleman at the bar ... mtv's own moonman
the sinker: the beer kersplodes and gets foam all over them!

so once they were done filming that, they needed a shot of the moonman laughing and pointing on the other side of the bar. so i got to be in the background, sitting at the bar. my character was a drunk, drinking whiskey by himself. maybe he had just gotten dumped, or he found out he had hodgkins lymphoma. so i have lymphoma, and i'm drinking my tumors away at the bar. i'm the kind of guy with advanced stages hodgkins lymphoma who drinks old grandad whiskey, neat. i find a crumb in my shot glass, and think about how it is like the lumphs in my body, and drink it anyway. so i am mostly not visible in the shot but here is a screen capture of footage shot:

so maybe i'll be in there, in the background, when the camera cuts to the moonman and he dances, w/ very advanced hodgkins lymphoma ravaging my body.

then it was around 4:30 or so and the all american rejects had to go back to their hotel. i also had to feed the dogs so i asked kris if i could go and he said yes, you can bring the rejects on the way. they were staying at the bel age hotel by the sunset strip area. the first guy in the van was the dreamy lead singer, and he asked me if this was the 'weed van' and then the other guys got in and some girl who i didn't recognize and i have no idea what relation she had to them. she looked too young to be some sort of label hag. but most of the rejects started talking and talking bout drugs, and whatnot. it went on for 5 minutes. i think they were trying to drop hints around me; i think i was the guy. i didn't realize until a little bit later in the ride. i was going to ask them if they wanted drugs just to see if i could get started on a wacky journey but i just didn't have time w/ the dog feeding. so, lost opportunities. then we started talking about burger time and i forgot about being their conneck.

oh, right before they got out of the 15 passenger van i was driving, we passed a huge billboard for a new double cd by christina aguilera and they were like why the hell is she putting out a double disc? and i said, 'she has a lot to say' and we all had a good laugh.

the day after the last shoot kris had me make a bunch of myspace profiles and link around to those vids, etc. they got thousands of views on youtube, and surely, one more from my sister, who is all of the people that looked here at this blog.

www.myspace.com/mtvmoonman

that's the main one, for mtv's moonman.

i went to matty and a-m's apt for dinner on friday night and there were some guests and i convinced a few of the guests that the gov't is re-instating the draft and if you get drafted you get to bring 3 friends w/ you, as a way to make the war more personal. how amazing would that be?

i played racquetball w/ ed at the hollywood y. i enjoyed it, we want to play more, but you can only bring the same guest 3 times in one year, so i have to think about signing up. i heard that the Y has a sliding scale so that impoverished people can join as well, but they didn't mention that at all to me when i got the pitch. we actually asked for the pitch and they said well, you can sign up, and told me the prices. they don't work very hard to sell it. we told them that and they were like, well you already saw it! aaaanywho, i saw no sliding scale. i'm wondering why i saw so many small latino children there then. how can they afford the Y and i can't? they must all be jimmy smitts' kids.

ps. I STEPPED ON A BEE!!! I SAW JANICE DICKINSON!!!!

2006-08-05T16:23:00.000-07:00

i went to the malibu colony today. and
Dish! i saw Janice Dickinson, sitting on her porch there. someone waved at her. i wasn't sure if they knew her knew her or just knew her. i didn't wave. but i did step on a bee. why are there bees all over the beach there? i don't know if i consider it getting stung by a bee, since i stepped on the bee. it hurt plenty, though. the only other time i've been stung was in mike's backyard, when a nest of angry hornets or bees moved in. those bees stung everyone we knew. one day when the bees stung mike's little brother li'l chrissy his dad had finally had enough and he destroyed the nest.

2006-08-02T17:50:00.000-07:00

i just received this text message on my cellephone:

Destined for something big? Do it in the Navy. Get a career. A degree. Serve a greater cause. For a FREE Navy video call 1-800-621-8957. to opt-out text STOP

what gives?! why did i open and read this thing? the gov owes me 2 cents now. it wasn't even as epic as those army of one commercials. sometimes i want to join the army so i can come back home on leave and be condescending to my old friends and wear my uniform around them.
i work w/ computers.
couldn't you be doing that here?
not really.

2006-07-31T14:38:00.000-07:00

i got a new job at a fancy office (picture below)

2006-07-30T08:42:00.000-07:00

Yesterday i went to land's dad's house to help him move some boxes and stuff. we got chinese food for lunch, from panda express. land and i used to meet up at the panda express at the disney studio lot commissary. according to land, this particular panda express location is better and tastier than every other panda express. even though the others are tasty. either way, when we get back to his dad's house, after we finish eating, we realize that there is only one fortune cookie left. neither of us really likes to eat the fortune cookie that much, but we both do enjoy the ancient black art of the fortune-reading. briefly discussed, the idea of throwing out the cookie or destroying it was rejected. i still hold that it would have been the best solution. then we started talking about who should get to claim the fortune as being theirs, and having it apply to themselves. then i said we could each start out with a 50% stake in claiming the fortune, and if one of us really wanted the fortune, he could purchase shares from the other in order to claim the full force of the fortune. finally we just decided that we should just open the cookie and read the fortune. i am assuming we would have just called dibs if it was a good fortune. being the inside man, being the person actually _holding_ the cookie, i knew that this contest was mine. so i opened the fortune cookie, and pulled out the following message:
An important discussion will take place today.

2006-07-29T00:37:00.000-07:00

i bought the neatest eye-glasses yesterday.
at a thrift store, it was a pair of eye-glasses. they are tri-focals, i think? the lenses have a bulbous middle part, and that bulbnous part has a bi-focal slash in it. they make the world intense. things far away look miles away and foggy, but then when things get closer it is as if they are being shot at you in 3-D. they give me a headache w/in second of putting them on but i can't stop.
also, when you wear them, your eyes appear to be giant to anyone looking at you. they aremore intense than trelawny's eye-glasses.

2006-07-18T01:21:00.000-07:00

http://www.hollywoodbowl.com/tix/performance_detail.cfm?id=2651

follow that link to an advert for nph playing wam.

2006-07-18T01:19:00.001-07:00

re-action?!

in the morning one of the strawberries that dogman had purchased had mold on it, so i threw it out.
when i returned home later that day, i noticed that one of my apples had been thrown out. what's going on here? am hoping for the best (OCD - needed odd number of fruit in the house).
but i think we all know it's retribution.

2006-07-16T16:23:00.000-07:00

I received a phone call on Tuesday about working on Thursday and Friday. I knew nothing about what i would be doing, only that it was on a set in a hotel in Pasadena. That sounds sort of suspect, but I figured it would be best not to ask much about it and just show up. So i went and it was two days in a hotel for nick-at-night shooting promos. the series that they are going to be playing that needed these promos: a different world. so the cast was there. in smaller groups. i told jasmine (who played whitley) that i loved her in _dead like me_ - which i mean. i liked her in that show, i spose, but i just thought it was a funny thing to say to her. oh, before they got there i was asking the wardrobe guy over and over again if he brought glasses for duane wayne. he was like what? does he wear glasses? and i was upset that he didn't remember duane wayne's trademark look included flip up sunglasses. he asked me if i was a huge fan of the show and i was horrified. i told him certainly not.
so duane wayne and jasmin are there. duane was w/o trademark glasses. i guess that would be too much, and he wants people to take him seriously. when he was leaving, he got halfway down the hallway and came back looking for his hat, saying where's my hat? who stole my hat?! he was joking, but still. i told him to forget about it, because it was probably already up on ebay. he chuckled and agreed with me and i just looked back at him.
on friday when i finished work, they said i could take whatever left over food, or else it would be thrown out or donated to homeless people (aka thrown out). so i took most of the leftover fruit, in a giant blue plastic trash bag. it was about 20 pounds of apples, oranges, bananas, and peaches.
but ... i think dogman may be upset with me. i came home late from work on thursday, and had to leave early for work on friday. so early that i had to feed the dogs at 6:15 right before i left, and 6:15 when i got home. this is instead of at 7:30 and then 5:30. when i fed them dogman said, 'they were so hungry... pacing back and forth...' (I don't know if he will refuse to feed his own dogs. i wonder how long that would go on for, and i wonder if it's because he feels he shouldn't do anything subservient in front of the dogs and set a bad example.)
just a note, when i came home, he was standing in the living room, wearing a towel, dripping. he'd apparently been swimming in the pool. i guess pool-side allowed him a pretty good vantage point of his animals starving.
so he makes that comment, and then about an hour later, he leaves. and then... the doorbell rings. it's an airconditioner repair man. he asks me what he's supposed to do. i am kind of confused bc dogman will usually tell me when someone is coming by. hey, the XXXX person is coming, pool, door, landsdcaper etc. But this time, no.
i tell the repairman that i don't know what the problem is, and i tell him to hang on. i speed-dial dogman, and he says "they finally showed up? they had an appointment for between 9 and 10 today. and they said they couldnt make it, so they made the appointment for 11. so tell him."
"tell him what ... exactly?"
"tell him that we've decided to go with a different company, since they missed their appointments."
so i told the guy what dogman told me to tell him, and he replied, "i'm sorry to hear that. we really are good."
about an hour later i realized that perhaps... dogman was trying to teach me a lesson about responsibility and keeping my appointments. maybe dogman hired an _actor_ to go through that ruse w/ me, so he could teach me a lesson about what happens if i am playful w/ the feeding schedule of the dogs a second time. i think that's amazing. not only does it show how dogman doesn't cotton to foolishness (even if the person/company/service is _really good_ - don't deliver on the promise and you'll be given the keys to the street). and also that he would be so elegant about it. i also admire his willingness to spend money irrationally. dogman is holding up the twisted and cruel carnival fun-house mirror to show me my foibles!!
i'm also thinking right now that the heavy scent of urine in my room is also dogman's doing. he did say, "rocky must have been so pissed at you, literally, for being gone for so long." literally.
so then yesterday night i went running and i passed an open sewer line w/ workers going into it. i had smelled gas earlier so i started to run as hard as i could, fearing the imminent blast, and then i felt bad about being such a life-hungry weakling.
later on i saw more people in sewers around gas lines (all civil servants, nothing looked shady) but the incidence of mole activity makes me think that the govmt of la is preparing itself to be attacked via the underground utilities.

one day later - can't figure out dogman.

now... is he giving me good signs? he bought a huge amount of fruit, which he's never done before. is it because i brought home all of that fruit from the set? it must be. he has given me felinesque gifts of food before. when i was cooking lots of chicken nuggets and fish filets, a box of each randomly appeared in the freezer. not my stuff, way classier than what i would buy. was it a message to class it up, or was he showing me a glimpse of the good life. are these his overtures to me? and are his straight on come ons when he lounges in the pool, reading? does dogman find the weather delicious, or me? i need to know how your heart feels, dogman!

2006-05-23T04:16:00.000-07:00

i worked on a promo for the andy milonakis show today. andy is a character. he's exactly like he is on his teevee show. he randomly yelled Everybody eat cheese sammiches! at one point. it's strange, he looks very young, but he's 30 or so. he made a reference to footloose, and demanded that it probably held up well.

2006-05-23T04:10:00.000-07:00

nickels missed a scheduled conference call today w/ me and land. as punishment for this willfull act, we are now celebrating nickel's birthdays as leap-birthdays, and we will only celebrate her birthday once every four years.

2006-04-27T13:54:00.000-07:00

Uhhh. ok. i kinda like improv sometimes, or i feel like i do until i
am seeing it. but sometimes it has good moments.
anywho, so i went to this free improv class. it's in la, upstairs from
an ice cream place in this little theatre. there were 15 people there,
at least. i asked my friend if they were good. she said a couple of
them, that guy doesn't speak any english. and she pointed to a swarthy
looking gentleman who was wearing a shiny dress shirt. the man seemed
engrossed in conversation w/ two other people. one was a guy who was
about 80 years old, and was wearing one of those poufy type
windbreakery things, w/ the kangaroo pouch. the other dude was just
some dude you'd imagine would be there. then we went inside to start
class.
the teacher was this guy, he was nice and pretty clever. sometimes i
write not so mean descriptions of people bc i have some sort of fear
that they will be surfing the net and see themselves in my not so kind
words. so more honestly, the guy who taught the class had a sort of
failed actor waft emanating, and he looked kinda like meatloaf in
fight club but w/ a 90's split down the middle haircut, but sort of
feathered at the ends so it was like his wavy gravy blacklight poster
face w. locks that go on to infinity. oh, i should have mentioned to
all readers at the beginning that this story goes nowhere, isn;t funny
or redeeming in any way, and is just so i can waste your time. so
uhhh, this guy, his fiance dumped him over the weekend. i felt it was
perfect for his chartacter, and was sad that he couldn't constantly be
getting dumped by his fiance. ok. so the class starts. i don't cotton
much to yellin and hollerin, we never did that in my house unless we
were plagued with rage demo. but seriously, just to stand around and
shout seems crazy to me. the 1st assignment was for everyone to get on
stage, and partner up. i went w. this short dude w. a beard who looks
like an innocuous college jewish dude. ok, so then the guy is like, we
start every class by screaming, to warm up our vocal chords!! so
scream at your partner, and the first line is... "WE GOTTA KILL THOSE
GUYS!!!" so i spose the point is to scream this dialog that starts
this way. so everyone starts hollering, and my guy is like WE GOTTA
KILL THOSE GUYS!!!! and i just looked at him, horrified. and he
scremaed it again, and was trying to roust me, and i was like uhh, i
don't know what to do, i don't like hollering. and i went into my
trademarked, PICTURE PERFECT impression of land, not even consciously.
i just got nervous and reverted to my landesque state of mind. so ok,
then he's like, just scream, the convo. and he's like WE GOTTA KILL
THOSE GUYS!! YEAH!!! WHO ARE WE GONNA KILL?!?!?!?!? YEAH?!?!??! and i
said, "uhh, the jews?" and he looked really unhappy that i said that,
and possibly that i wasn't screaming back at him. then i stammered
something about how i was just picking history's natural preference.
then that excersize was over. out of 6 or so exercizes, 3 were
completely dependent upon hollerin. loud = off the cuff funny to them.
apparently!!! it was ok. i am trying to convince land to go w/ me next
week and we can keep joinig the same little group and weirding them
out and derailing them. oh, also, during one skit, the dude in the
shiny shirt tried to talk and just said "WHY, BE-CAUSE-AH??!" and then
the teacher was like uhh, fabio, you gotta start stepping up, and he
replied in the most garbled broken pidgin english about not
understanding what was going on. i honestly think this guy somehow
believes that this class is necessary for him to remain in this
country. i am pretty sure most of his letters home are like (in
foreign) 'we are immersed in a perplexing english language class.
people shout at me a great deal, and every one seems to be
schizophrenic. not only do they act erratically, they seem to affect
different voices as well. i miss you all dearly. i must be going now.
i have included 3 american dollars for you, and a packet of tissues
for my sister, who has an incredibly foreign name. oh, i have rubbed
this letter on my scent glands so that you will remember me while i am
away. my god have mercy on our unclean souls."

2006-03-12T14:13:00.000-08:00

PORTMANTEAUX!!!!1
What is your favorite cassingle? Please respond...it's for a school project.

2006-02-04T14:26:00.000-08:00

i slam dunked the fresh squeezed orange juice portion of my interview. i move in on monday. i'm so excited.

2006-01-30T18:19:00.000-08:00

today i got a phone call from the dog sitting guy. he called because... i have a second interview! he told me that the main reason i have to come in tomorrow is so that the house keeper can tell me where to purchase the fresh squeezed orange juice that, as he told me during our first meeting, must always always _always_ be available in the house. so i think i am a shoe in. i'm considering stuffing my shoes w/ doggy treats in order to sway the canine vote. they do outvote him, afterall. unless the housekeeper gets a vote. but i am pretty sure that she liked me as well. i mean, the way to make someone like you is to smile and nod everytime they talk to you in portugese, right? i seemed like i was following the conversation well enough anyway.

another weird thing about today: the word of the day was obliterate, here is the sample sentence they used
to illustrate its usage:

To obliterate all thoughts of the blizzard outside, Terry lit a scented candle, put on some Vivaldi, and sat in front of the fire with her spring catalogs.

2006-01-28T17:01:00.000-08:00

There's no off switch to genius.
last night at about 3:30 in the morning i had an idea that i was certain was solid gold. and i knew this idea would be good to bounce off of my friend erin, who has worked on many tv shows. i decided i couldn't wait any longer, and called her immediately, thinking i would leave a message on her voice mail. here's the message:
erin: hello?
me: oh man, i woke you up. you sound like you're sleeping.
erin: what is it?
me: i had this idea for a show, i figured i would leave you a voicemail about it, because it would be perfect for us to work on. it's called monkey manicure, and
erin: i'm hanging up now.

i hope she sobers up and realizes that we need to act now. call me erin. i will accept your apology.

2006-01-27T16:07:00.000-08:00

I just had a meeting with a gentleman to possibly house sit his house and watch his dogs for him. i think it went well. i feel that the dogs liked me, and that this is possibly the best thing that could have happened for getting this position. he loves his dogs. it's intense.

2005-11-26T09:43:00.000-08:00

THATS THE NOBLE ANIMAL!!!
yay! it was tasty. the meat thermometer wasn't going up, maybe i stuck it into a bone, maybe it was broken, i don't know. but i called the crumblies and they said that 7 hours was too long, so i took it out. it was still juicy and delicious, but better last year, i think. oh well. then we all had many desserts, which were tasty. jon the brit had about 12 slices of cakes and pies. he could not stop eating dessert.

2005-11-25T11:03:00.000-08:00

happy day after thanksgiving!!! two nights ago nickels and i washed the turkey and seasoned it up and got it ready to be cooked. we really need to invest in a proper turkey cooking pan, because we bought the tinfoil disposable one and the bird was erupting out of it. we did buy it before we knew we had been forcibly upgraded by 7 pounds, but still. a good turkey cooking pan is something that is passed down to future generations. unless future generations really do decide to exclusively make deep fried turkey. here is a story i remember about future generations celebrating thanksgiving: i was talking to a person in advertising one time about possibly getting involved with the business of advertising. i asked them what i would need to do, and they said that a lot of people get their start by storyboarding a few commercial spots that they think would be good, catchy, and indicative of their style/s. i told him i had a couple ideas i would like to run by him. i said, hey, let me pitch them to you and you can give me some feedback. he said ok. so i said, ok. it starts off with a very american /rockwellian thanksgiving scene, perfect family, dad carving the perfect turkey, golden brown, doilies everywhere. then, we cut to a calendar, and pages start flipping by, quicker and quicker. suddenly it is far into the future, and we descend from the calendar/space montage to a perfect family, of the future. it is thanksgiving 2125. the perfect family is sitting around a perfect table, doilies everywhere. the perfect future dad is carving not a perfect future turkey, but a huge Snickers bar for thanksgiving dinner. The fmaily looks pleased, and as we fade into space, the tag line appears/is heard. Snickers... THE FUTURE IS SWEET. (get it, it's a pun, bc they are eating candy for dinner) he actually thought it was kind of funny, and asked to hear another idea. i said ok, this one is for all state insurance. then i went into a setting where a car is parked outside of a home in perfectville anytown, usa. a ball goes through the window, and the insurance claim is in action! because they have allstate. then we go to a space montage where calendar pagesfly by, and we see we are in the future. a spacecar is sitting outside of a future house in anytown futureville, galaxy unkown. a spaceball flies through the future windshield, and future claims adjusters are ON THE CASE. then the tag line, all state insurance... the future is SWEET! at this point the adman started trying to tell me that I need to come up with different ideas for every account and that it isn't the ad company that makes one idea and applies it to different companies. what i don't understand is how does a person who trades exclusively with deceit not realize when they are being lied to?
now back to thanksgiving 2005. i almost dropped the noble animal when trying to turn it upside down (so that the juices collect in the breast - thanks for the tip crumblies!) but i caught it. myhands were then covered with butter, lemon juice, brandy, parsley and paprika. naturally i solved this problem by petting stray cats. then i put my hands back into the turkey. we let this thing cook for about 7 hours. i think our meat thermometer was broken, because it looked very brown and done, but the thermometer wouldn't go up to the safe poultry mark. a chat with the crumblies and they told me i had to take it out before it had no juice or flavor left. so i took it out. and here it is:

PICTURE TO COME
(this isn't uploading pictures right now...)

then we all ate. it was very tasty. i think it was a bit better last year, but still very tasty.

2005-11-23T22:15:00.000-08:00

Nickels and I picked up the noble animal today. instead of the 18 pound bird we ordered, they only had a 25 pound bird. what gives, erewhon!!? but they gave it to us for 22 pounds, so that kind of made up for it? maybe?
either way, it's a pretty big bird, and it looks decent. i am a bit nervous about cooking something so large, and about keeping something in that kind of heat for 5 or more hours. it seems unnatural. i havenever tried a deep fried turkey, but it seems like there has been a new rule instated within the past few years that there must be obligatory conversations about deep fried turkeys any time turkeys or thanksgiving is mentioned. it is now eclipsing the mandatory 'turducken convo' in popularity. but these conversations that we have, they help us remain human. if i couldn't talk about jews getting chinese food and going to the movies on christmas at least once i year, i think i would forget how to love.

2005-11-05T02:24:00.000-08:00

tonight i went to the movies to see the weatherman, starring nic cage. me, nicole, and land went to the grove. we stepped in and there was a longish line behind one of the automated ticket machines, and smaller lines behind two other ones, so we stepping into the smaller line. then we heard someone say hey i think they just cut us in line! we turned around. it was this guy:

we then started to talk to him for a while about the line situation and what movies we were seeing and/or interested in seeing. he mentioned he was going to go see jarhead. we told him we had considered it but decided on the weatherman because a) we had heard that the weatherman was really depressing and b) we heard that the reports of full frontal gyllenhall in jarhead were false. he hadn't even heard the rumors. he said he had to see jarhead because his friend was in it. later he wandered into our movie (during previews) and we talked some more, and then he sat with his friend to kill time until jarhead started about an hour later. one could see land's mind actually fracturing because of our extended conversations.
go see the weatherman, really beautifully shot and very funny and depressing, and guaranteed to make you stumble into a celeb.

2005-10-31T14:44:00.000-08:00

HAPPY HALLOWEEN!!!!

it took me about 20 minutes to make this costume. you can't see it in this picture, but that includes a tail.
for those who can't tell what this is:

2005-10-24T13:56:00.000-07:00

i went to el torito for lunch, as i do sometimes, but not that often. maybe i went 2 or 3 weeks ago? i really should start preparing food at home again to bring in to work, but i've been so lazy with cooking lately. all i make/eat at home is salad, cereal, hummus, and other misc. foods that don't need to be cooked so much as prepared or heated somewhat. also, i've been having tupperware issues. but, i went, and i figured i'd get the big combo plate, which is called the macho combo, because it is only 2 dollars more and comes with twice as much food. the man set down this monster plate and i didn't even eat half of it. when i asked for a box, he said "it appears you were not macho enough for the combo!" naturally, i fought him to the death. i lost, and am updating this blog from one step beyond!!!!!
yesterday:
went on a bike ride to MOCA to see the exhibit ECSTASY: art in and about altered states. lots of derelicts were there. some of the art was very good, some of it was way crappy crap. wow. when did i become so profound?

2005-10-17T13:05:00.000-07:00

HAPPY BIRTHDAY AV!!!!

you're 30 now. it's... cool.

2005-10-10T11:24:00.000-07:00

sleepytime
hullo. i got up way early today because the girl i carpool with needed to be at work at 8 am. so i had to be at her place by 7:30. so i had to leave my apt by 7. so i had to wake up at 6:48. ugh!
this banana i'm eating is so green and un ripe that i just checked the sticker to make sure i didn't buy plantains. ok. i had to stop eating it. i did eat enough to ensure that i will remain hungry yet get a horrible stomach ache. a perfect balance has been achieved.
here's some things you may have missed.
thurs:
went to campanile's for grilled cheese night. i had different impressions about what grilled cheese night was going to be. i thought it would be kind of a sampling of different grilled cheeses continuously being served. pretty much how i picture heaven. but instead it was just one expensive grilled cheese. i ate with ed, his german flat mate, and his friend aaron. the strange california pronunciation of aaron and erin as the same was discussed, since ed as well is from back east. the german girl is from slightly further east, but she knew what we were talking about. when we were leaving campanile's people were discussing where they had parked. ed asked me and i said, oh, i'm right in front here. and ed asked where, and i pointed again and said, right here. then they noticed i was pointing at a tiny bmx bike locked to the bike rack in front. we all had a good laugh. later on ed told me what his friends though:
aaron: it's too bad he's not gay, he's really cuuuuuuuute!
german: wait, he's not gay?
bonus: while riding my bike to dinner i pass by this bar where the sketchsters are always smoking outside on the curb. Dish! i saw luke perry out there, and he was talking in a way lively manner to some girl. seemed like a bit of a tiff. give er hell dylan. ps. you weigh like 85 pounds and look like a creep.
ps. i am coining this term. since i set off everyone's gaydar, i guess i am gaydioactive.
fri:
i think i spent friday in one of my patent pending fugue states.
sat:
did some laundry, did some errands. at night, i tried to go to the opening of the new exhibit at MOCA, exstacy, art in and about altered states with kim. we got the address/directions confused and drove aimlessly through downtown where we stumbled upon skid row. there were dozens of tents set up everywhere, and tons of hobos and scragbagglers walking about through the streets aimlessly. it's like the thriller video. i immediately called land and asked him why he'd never brought me there before.
sun:
rose bowl flea market. i bought some more metal stacking barrister bookcases, and now my bookshelving needs are taken care of for quite some time. i also bought a tree that requires little to no light and/or love to go in the living room. i have no idea how we fit a tree and a bookcase in a toyota corolla, but i have deep cuts on my arms and legs and they are filled with sap.
later that day, nicole and i were riding our bikes doing some errands, as is our wont and custom. there was a car waiting to pull into the valet parking section of the grove, and we stopped our bikes. i smiled creepily at the person driving the car until they looked over, and then i said "h.. hi". it was matthew perry, Dish! he seemed sorry to be blocking the road and moved his car forward. nicole had just picked up her rx from the dentist. i thought we should have offered matt perry some painkillers since he apparently likes them.
mon:
uhh it's columbus day and i have to work? that sucks. i give that 5 out of 5 small pox infested blankets.
did you spot them all? i hope so.

2005-10-05T16:37:00.000-07:00

Dear Sweater,
why do you insist on smelling like dog everytime you get slightly wet? it's really unappealing.
love, me.

2005-10-04T16:00:00.000-07:00

I'm very very tired today.
but that won't stop me from bloggin up a storm.

Yesterday on my ride home I decided to call Jenn Kerrs. I think she changed her name to Singer or Kerrs-Singer when she got married, which kind of robs me of the joy of the sound of "jennkerrs" when said as if one word. but good for you with the whole marriage thing. i called her to ask her... in school she had a friend named dana (i was friends with her as well but you know) and my friend todd sort of liked her and made her a mixtape, and included this song called "you suck" where the refrain is, not surprisingly, you suck. and i like that concept a lot, because he went to the trouble of making a girl a mixtape but was then working against himself by including that song, catchy as it may have been. and i was wondering if jennkerrs remembered the name of the band, because it was quite a catchy tune. and also, the whole giving that song to people aspect, very funny. the phrase 'you suck' had been in my head because of a little project i'm working on. i wanted to write a sitcom about a manchild, and said manchild is hated by his mother. the pilot is almost finished. nause and i are crafting pure gold here people. pure gold. in the credits, we see the mother give birth to her son, and the dr puts her baby in her hands, and she looks into his face, and says "you suck"
why would someone say that to a baby? the baby doesn't understand you lady. get with the program! aaanywho.
this morning starts my new plan of riding my bike to kristina's house and carpooling in the morning. it's better than biking the whole way because it's only half way, and the not scary part to bike. getting in and out of the valley has some car-laden streets i'm not too fond of. also, it's not so much biking either time, so i don't have to get up all kinds of early. and i hate driving. so i'm cutting that out of my life. we shall see how it goes. my sister keeps telling me to buy a helmet. as if i want helmet hair all day at work! get with the program sisterpants.
today was the spesh salad day at the circle seven cafeteria. (that's one of the disney commissaries - but it's a few miles away). i call every single day to ask what the salad selection is. the woman who answers the phone is often not happy to hear from me. hey lady, if you published the salad selection online with the other info, i wouldn't have to call you every day. the good news, no one ever programmed my name into the phone, so it's not me she hates. it's andy meeks. that's the guy who used to sit here. his name pops up on someone's screen whenever i make a call. so, they had the good salad today. the good salad is the southwestern caesar salad. it has some mixed greens, tomatoes, cheese, tortilla strips, and corn. i know, corn in a salad? it kinda works/is unnoticeable. but the best thing is the dressing. it's something spicy yet cool, sweet yet savory, it's a combination of disparate elements that do battle on my palate with every memory i have ever had and in the end i am left with a viking funeral of lettuce going down my throat. what's up with these sentences? i should stop mixing metaphors and/or angel dust with my drinking water. but i had no way of getting to this salad. it's about 4 miles away. then i remembered tony. he is a buddy over in the arts section, and we get lunch sometimes together. i felt it would be totally goache to ask him to eat, tell him i wanted to eat there, and have him drive. so i asked him what his plans were for lunch, and he said we should eat together. we couldn't come up with a place so i suggested we systematically start eating at all the different commissaries, and he agreed. tony, you walked into my trap. so we went. tony got chicken cordon bleu. he was impressed with the quality of his meal and the sheer class of the dish he was served. he even commented on the fine bouquet of the kit-kat bars he had for dessert. we went with elizabeth, who works in tony's department there, doing graphic design. she is nice, and has a teensy slight accent. i asked her where she was born and raised. russia. i asked her if it was true that the russian economy was based on borrowed milk and mail-order brides. she seemed upset so i quickly changed the subject by asking her if she had ever seen snow. ok that didn't happen, but i think she most likely found me to be as charming as all get out. natch.

ps. HAPPY JEW YEAR!!!

Would you go shofar as to say the same to me?

2005-10-03T10:42:00.000-07:00

loyal readers, i am filled with contempt for you...
so what's up gang?!?! last night erin took me to see a movie her friend and colleague had done. so we went to westwood to see this. it was part of the first annual westwood film festival. the nights bill included a short film entitled _letting go_ and the feature her friend made, _freeze out_.
we got there and met erin's friends, a guy and his ladyfriend. i spoke to his ladyfriend about the buskers at the 3rd st. promenade and how they give me the heebie jeebies, especially the following two buskers.
1) arthritis guy. this doughy little man, he seems to be some stripe of asian, pacific islander, i don't know what. his identifying characterstics are: crushed spirit; doughy build; waxy looking hair; glasses so exceedingly thick that there is no way they were crafted within the past 80 years; oh, and his creepy jaggedy claw hands that he uses to grip his cardboard sign explaining that he has severe arthritis in his hands and needs money for an operation. this guy steals part of my soul every time i look at him. i have caught myself slowing down to try to comprehend if this arthirits thing is a strange begging technique or if he is on the level, and all that happens is that i feel an icyness enter my body and i feel as if i will never be happy again.
2) other creep. (i really don't have names for these guys - i try not to think about them/anthropomorphize them). this guy is this guy who looks like he was made up of two different action figure pieces. his upper body is RIPPPED DAWGGG and his legs are so thin and spindly and creepy. he sits in the lotus position and makes these strange whooping sounds and bird calls. and then you look around, and he's looking at you, with this creepy smile, and he starts holding himself up by his arms, and swinging his broken little lotus legs about and doing feats of upper body strength. buddy, there's absolutly no reason to make bird sounds and then make eye contact and smile at me. in case you were wondering, you will already haunt my nightmares for eternity. no need to go overboard.
so that conversation was kind of fun. buddy, your ladyfriend is nice. her lisp is endearing.
so then we went in and saw the movies. the first one was a short that was really iffy. it was called _letting go_ and it had a "drug transition" - in 3 shots the main girl went from smoking a joint with a bunch of 30 year old quasi burn outs to doing a line of coke and then mainlining heroin. talk about a gateway drug! also, the dudes shmoking, they were wearing new bandanas and they seemed like it was really heavy shit they were smoking. they were all slumped against the wall of this derelict apartment that had some feces smeared street sign against the wall. it was over the top, yet somehow a very accurate representation of weed smokers. skid row has never before been so aptly described. and whoa! when it was over, the guy running the film festival started jawing about how this was such a powerful film and how if they were giving an award for best actor the main girl would have won it. uhhhhhh...
the full length, which erin's friend made, was actually pretty good and had a lot of funny lines in it. it was called _freeze out_ and the direction was a bit much at times, but it was shot in a TV stylesque manner (some new fangled show with freezes and crazy cuts et cetera) and with digital and the dude was trying things out. some of them worked quite well, some of it made it seem like a really really long episode of frenetic siezurific television, but still, a good movie. oh, the movie had a star in it. Eddie Pepitone. one of the funniest comedians i've ever seen. he told a story about talking to his two cats that was mindblowing. and when some woman got up to leave during it, he apologized for not having any material about aeroplane food. brillo.
also. don't you hate it when you just graze over part of your face, lettuce say your eyebrow, and you feel a little point of pain and you realize that you will have a zit there in 3 days, and you spend the rest of the day touching it and your keyboard gets filled with eyebrow hairs? thinning eyebrows is a big fear of mine. it is compacted by the fact that i think they're thin at the ends to begin with, and i think someone cut them off at the ends once while i was sleeping. because a lot of people suddenly mentioned one day how the ends of my eyebrows were thin. later that week i felt like i had cut my hair and accidentally trimmed my eyebrows, but that memory may have been implanted.
i normally wear some sort of random shirt and a sweater over that when i am going to work (as is my wont and custom), because my office is usually kept below freezing point. in case you're wondering, they raised the freezing point to adjust for our new love based economy. however, today the office has been heated, so i am forced to take off my sweater shirt thingy that i am wearing over my t shirt. The t-shirt is red, with fuzzy blue letters on it.
what my t-shirt actually says: (front) THEY GROW ON YOU (back - it has four long and complicated names. i am assuming this shirt was some sort of eastern european law firms jokey t-shirts for the company slow-pitch league. a league that was instituted to raise moral, teamwork, and foster a competitive edge - to help us slam dunk the peterson account, natch.)
what my t-shirt says to everyone who sees me wear it: start a conversation with me about my shirt and ask me questions because if you just keep asking what it means, we'll figure this one out. JUST KEEP ASKING!!!!

10/03/05

2005-10-03T10:34:00.000-07:00

HAPPY FISCAL NEW YEAR!!!!

ps. i signed up thinking V as in boy, and then saw it as vasin boy, and worried that people might think i'm really into vasins. and in my head it was a combination of a vase and a basin, but i don't know that a vasin is something. hopefully it will be some sort of sexuall slang that I stumbled into and all of my readers will be strange bear dudes who are into CBT and/or buffy fans. imagining that venn diagram is bending my brain.